Everly

I have cuts of you in my skin, whenever I look at them I remember those times. These last two months, I've been content with myself, but before that it was a constant havoc. I never thought I would ever feel happy again. Would genuinely laugh and smile. But you made that possible, better late than never. 2017. Every night I used to cry myself to sleep.  5 am, I dried my tears on my cheeks, making my face all sticky and swell. I was on the floor. I felt so small. Even my own room made me feel unfamiliar. I don't particularly remember why I was crying that miserably, I just remember being hurt. I just remember telling myself, will it ever end? I partially blamed me for what happened with my brother that time. Every flicker of optimism died within me. Wasn't it selfish just to think, everybody around you is having a nice time and you are dying in the corner, sucking all the depression in? I remember feeling helpless, pathetic little looser who thought it was her...

They say, Bengali women's pride lies in their hair. My pride is falling like leaves in Autumn air. Everyday in shower, I lose a bit of pride, I glue them with water in my bathroom tiles. Patience. They say, slowly it will grow back. Wake up in the mornings, That's the ultimate hack. A tin full of nuts sits on my table, the hair's meat Doctor said, Your hair is what you eat. Grass is greener from where you stand, I see what they have and I can't My genes are curly but I want straight My eyes are tired of my anorexic braid. I dream of a day, In car with the hoods down, driving to the sea. Wind brushing through my thick silk hair, making waves like the ocean at bay.

So Moon apu's Akhd is done. She is a married woman now. I don't wanna be next on the line, but my mother talks about marriage to me almost everyday lately, it is so annoying and terrifying. I am on 21. I have so much left to do and become. Right now, the least thing I would want is a boyfriend maybe but not a husband! And my mind can't process the behavior complexities of in-laws. It drives me nuts to even see my cousin, getting into that sort of thing...It's like jail for women. My mother can't seem to agree on letting me go after I graduate. My graduation is her deadline to marry me off. I swear, everyday, she will bring up wedding discussions, every fucking day! Do you have any idea how annoying that is? I want time off. I want to go abroad as soon as I can to get rid of her. Here's my plan, in two years I am graduating hopefully, I maybe would take a french course side by side, I'd take IELTS with Turtle Dove and Batman and we'd apply for college...

I woke up due to unfortunate circumstances this morning. My father has a habit of raging anger when you least expect it. So basically he was shouting, putting blame on my mother for raising us so loosely without any rules and letting us sleep late and my mother then equally raged, put all her frustration on our housemaid, it's a never ending cycle of madness I don't wanna talk about. So I woke up; had breakfast and as soon as my father was out the door, I fell asleep, woke up again at 5 pm, I have finals after 4 days, back to back and since Thursday-I  downloaded classic top rated movies like Godfather to Irani movie like Children of Heaven and wasted hours and hours being awake at night and sleeping the whole morning....I am a natural at wasting time... Anyway, I am still not hitting the books. I should though. But I don't want to.

This month I have one of my cousin's wedding ceremony, and it's all I can think about. What dress I am gonna wear, what makeup, what shoes, what accessories; just puts me in a festive mood, can't help it. I have two exams left, and I did fairly good in my management course which is kind of shocking, because I gave it my least effort. I am still two marks away from getting an A tho, but my teacher might just consider. I don't know when she's gonna upload the grades. I don't do well in study gaps, they're pretty useless to me. I like being rushed, being stressed the nights before exams, It's when I actually get the things done. Study gaps just put me in a relaxed mood and I sleep like a pig...Okay enough of the book talk. It's been drizzling non stop outside...Perfect weather to stay home and sleep. These days, I can't find a decent thing to write about. My life is going kind of blunt. My university is in recess for finals, but I had to go ch...

  2017   made me realize few things. You cry and cry and nobody will be there to wipe your tears. You are happy, and everybody questions why. You put on makeup, everybody assumes it's because of a guy. The world is out there glistening with possibilities, and you're home In your comfort zone, In bed Crying over things you can't fix.