Everly

you give me a great deal of anxiety and butterflies inside my stomach. tears when I don't even wanna feel sad. unnecessary wide grins. I feel so stupid and crazy as if, there's something between us. you're a poem without rules and rhymes, you're hard to figure out. you're like a puzzle I am yet to solve but my head is all over the place.

My brother, My mom and I, In our terrace, a starry night. I see the half moon, glowing afar, I see my brother at a distance, listening songs in his headphones, making hand gestures to the beats. I think to myself. This takes away my worries. I feel this warmth in my heart. I whisper to myself, like a prayer- "Everything's going to be okay." For all the times he used to say to me  "I hear sounds, I hear people saying mean things to me" This hallucination. This audio that went on and on his mind. Finally I see him enjoying music taking down the illusion. I've missed my life being this normal. I felt complete. My family is my happy place again.  

I am still getting glimpses of him Sometimes happy memories sneak in to my mind, An interrupting smile, now and then... Sometimes a squeak. He used to be funny and smart.  I don't know if he still is. We don't talk

You know, I've always figured, my parents are a toxic couple. My dad didn't let my mom continue study after inter, My grandmother wouldn't have let her either. They have a mentality that wives are better off staying home looking after kids and serve food on the table. And my mom wasn't a rebel, she's still not one. She is consumed with the notion that, her husband will be the breadwinner and so she could go shopping and stuffs. When my dad says, we have to cut expenses this month, she gets crazy and keeps on ranting how he's not doing well in the business and there's been no luck for us. Then my dad goes on ranting, how he gives, gives and gives and is never appreciated for once. And in between I get the most harsh words. I am such a failure born to this family, I am uncontrollable, I don't do any household work, I sleep all the time and I live unhealthy, I am not doing well in my studies, I am such an evil monster, I am selfish, I am the worst human b...

'I don't miss you' is a lie, I speak like a mantra Just to save my mind some trouble Trouble that comes with the blur version of you, That set of eyes that made me dream once, made me want to be with you. And I don't yet know what pursued me to think You miss me too.

Today was good. We went to watch Thor:Ragnarok and it was uh-mazing. I loved it. Chris Hemsworth is so HOT. And Loki is so cute. Ann used to obsess about his smile. Today I got to know why. He is a charming man. And do you know Dr. Strange has a scene in it? Three hotties, who am I to complain? I have always been aloof from action/sci-fi movies but this one in particular wooed me, and to watch it in a theater with friends was the best part....I needed this. On a completely different note, I didn't screw up any of my presentations this semester. I never thought I would see a light of improvement in me so that's a start. I got good marks and I gotta say, I am in a good place right now. What is scary tho, this happiness thing can be temporary, when I am happy I feel like something terrible is going to happen. Anyway, gotta have dinner, I am famished.

Winter is almost here. I see insects flying their way to my room at nights and the uncertain urge to turn on and off the fan and covering and uncovering myself with blanket. And acting like a corpse in bed at morning, because of the cozy feeling. Sweet November is here. Tomorrow is my presentation. I practiced my speech for hours tonight. I know I am still gonna screw up. This whole weekend, I treated myself like a blunt existence. When I was in car going to a wedding, listening to songs in my earpiece, I told myself how unhappy I am lately. How ungrateful that makes me. I don't know how this started and when this will end. When I am around my cousins, I am this giddy, uncomplicated version of myself, and that goes the same with my friends. But this psycho babble in my mind, I can't stop. I get sad and every aspect of living loses its meaning. I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either. I don't know how that's possible. If there were any one in the whol...