Everly

Day #105 I am trying to focus on having fun now. Without guilt. Without thinking the conventional way. You know you are your worst critic. Whenever I do something that gives me pleasure I keep terrorizing myself why I did what I did and if I deserve it or not. I want to have fun without overthinking the consequences. Here's to having fun, just because. Life's short. 

Day #102 I had a really rough week with emotional ups and downs. I keep obsessing over him, his likes on my feed, him viewing my story, these instant validations fogging my mind into having delusions again. Maybe he still wants me. Maybe we aren't finished, maybe he will call me again one day and we will catch up and be together. No matter, how secondarily I was treated while us lasted, I keep telling myself, we are meant to be together. When in utmost truth, we didn't hit the level of intimacy two people needs in order to be called a 'thing'. I cried my eye balls out again over him, I keep repeating the memories I had, I keep missing him day and night. I keep stalking his instagram like it is my oxygen and I can't do without it. I found his ex on a picture. And I stalked the crap out of her. There was a caption in her picture. It caught my eye. The pictures were taken in nepal and the caption said in 2017, at this exact place she made the worst decision of her...

The Self Love Experiment-Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself by Shannon Kaiser This is actually one of the realistic self-help books that I've read, there was no sugar-coating and the author actually kept it pretty raw and tried to reflect her struggles with self-love and insecurities. This book is more like learning to reflect on her reflections. I liked the positive affirmations on each parts of the book and I gotta say, this was empowering. I felt something really shift inside me. I think universe is trying to send me a message this year and I've been notified, more and more, about the fact that I have to love myself. Even the guy I had fling with, brought up the concept in between our late night conversations, he said once, "You don't love yourself. When you do, I'll be there." And it still rings in my head from time to time. Since the day we broke it off, I knew what I needed to work on. Self healing and ...

day 96 I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I am pampering myself. I am letting myself be lazy. I am whispering kind words to my body. I am telling it's okay, to relax. To not listen to other people's expectations of me, or 'idea' of me. I am telling myself, I am deserving of love and affection. I am telling myself, it is not a competition. I can grow in my own garden and let others grow beside me too.

Day 94 My father bought me my first ukulele. I am so excited. I learned 4 chords already, though I haven't mastered the art of a clear sound, because I suck at strumming...But you know what, everything new takes time to learn. And I have a lifetime, there is no exam to pass, this is for my soul.And what's more amazing than learning something for fun?

day 91 Felt  a bit feverish yesterday. My parents were worried sick. I am okay now, but I feel kind of lathergic. I stayed home all this time, I don't see a point in getting infected. It would be so ironic. My final semester's results were published. All I am left with now is the internship. I can't believe I almost finished my undergrad. Time moves fast. I kind of took a break from the routine. I wake up a bit late but sleep well at night. I am taking an out of sight, out of mind approach with him. I kind of restricted his feed on my social media, the less I see of him, the less I think about him. I hope I stay persistent on this techniic, I kind of cheated yesterday, took a peek after like a week of break but yeah from today, I am gonna be strict. Yesterday, a celebrity I loved and adored, hung himself at his flat...He was very successful. And this is the lesson here. We think that success defines mental serenity or satisfaction, it actually doesn't. You ca...

Day 86 I don't know why but I couldn't get access to blogger for couple of days. I am going to edit those post out. I kept it in a word file. I realized in those days how much this site means to me. I wanted to share my thoughts yet couldn't. I am so glad it's back again. The lockdown is over by the way. But we are self-quarantined. My university results will be published pretty soon. Can't believe I am done with all the courses. I haven't thought ahead. Applied for internship somewhere. Getting a job is gonna be tough. We don't know when things will finally be normal. People are still going to work in this situation. Life is tough.  Yesterday, I had a huge ugly cry. I felt very alone and scared. I have learned to get used to this lifestyle but still sometimes, everything becomes overwhelming.  I love that you're back dear B. I missed writing to you. 

Day 85  Today is my cheat day. I took a day off from my typical day. And finished a movie. I have been able to put myself into a routine. I read pages of a book every day, I do morning yoga, I take classes online. I go to bed early and wake up early. I cooked chicken curry today. This was my first cooked meal. Everybody loved it. I felt joy watching my parents being giddy about me. My mom said, I don’t have to worry about you anymore. Did I cure myself of depression and sadness? Well, it is a deep rooted problem, but I do feel lighter these days. I accept the sadness, I accept the uncertainty of future, I accept  that things are going to be difficult. And I roll with it. Whenever the black cloud hovers over my head, I look in the mirror, sometimes shed a tear or two and then I pick myself up. Ultimately, I have to be my own person. I have to be my own care-taker. It feels great sometimes, to be in control of my own life. I have learned to wash my clothes every day. It i...

Day 80 I downloaded 13 books, all focusing on self helps, and currently I am reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Too early to give a review on this. I barely started. I hope, I make the actual value out of this book because I need more than just a vocabulary boost. I ended up breaking into tears when I found him again on the dating app. Somehow, it is okay for me to go fish for men but not okay for him to find his dates, now that the lockdown is over. He put on a new picture on his profile. It is actually an old picture of him; I liked that picture very much. I told him once before how good his beard looked in that. I swiped left on him (cross) but my thumb was stuck on the screen for several minutes. I don’t know why, I felt so deeply upset. I think it was the final kick for me to get over him. To finally realize, we are actually done. He has moved on, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and we are just buddies online and nothing else. Not even buddies thou...