I should have known anti-cutters don't cut skin. There is reason; it is only used for papers. But I got a little hint of scratch in my wrist where I applied Vaseline so it should be fine.
I remember this year or from the last year, I remember myself craving for company. For some attention. I don't remember loathing myself at to the point where I feel gross in my own skin. Where I want to attempt self harm. I don't remember feeling like that, until today. Today. I felt like I am the most unwanted, unworthy creature on this earth. Nobody wants to be with me. I felt like I don't matter even the least. I am a wasted space to my parents. I am a boring company to my friends. I am not interesting as a partner so I don;t have anyone. Today I felt like everything just piled up against me. Today, one of my relatives died, out of the blue. Just had a stroke and died in a hospital. Just like that. And I didn't go see her body. But she had been a prominent figure in our family. She had been present in my childhood in almost every family occasion. And all I have left of her, is the essence of her, how she was as a sister of my grandmother. That's all. She is probably very distant person in my memory but she isn't completely erased. I remember a hint of her. And it doesn't feel good knowing she is gone.
What made it worse, is when you feel suicidal things in your head, in your heart, you want to find comfort in your friends. Or family. When I was in the university today, Batman ignored me the whole time because I didn't share this song with him which I was supposed to, because I once told him his opinion mattered. And it still does. But now it doesn't make him feel like what I say to him or about him is valid, does it? I made this one mistake of not sharing it with him, I shared it with another person and it made him so upset that he didn't even listen to my cover of the song. And he won't talk to me, or even look at me.
Here's why it is killing me. He is the only person who constantly talks and never stops to amaze me or make me laugh and forget about the horrors of life. Now that's been taken from me I don't know what to do. I feel more unfit. Turtle dove has him to herself all the time. They look like a couple but T tells me there is nothing going on between them other than friendship. I get that but I need a friend too. I need them to be my friends. I can't tell them how I feel having nobody. I got home, constantly blabbered because I felt like talking and nobody was there to listen to me. I talked to my schizophrenic brother if he ever felt like quitting life, he must come to me I made him swear on my life. I spoke to our bua about the most unimportant stuffs that ever could be spoken, and I told my mother after she came home from the janaza, I told her things that she already knew, things like take precautions and live healthy, don't die please.
And I don't know what is going inside of me. I don't know why instead of remembering all the fondest memories about singer guy, I got reminded of the day, when I wore this black top, yes just a moment ago, I was surfing clothes in my closet and I found the black top, I got reminded of the day when he raged all his anger at me, because I screamed in the street all of a sudden and that is not how anybody should behave in a street. He payed for my meals afterwards but I shouldn't have let him. I remember being deeply hurt that day, I cried in the shower after I got home, I felt like somebody just stabbed me in my stomach and I felt so bad about myself. I felt like I was an alien, I shouldn't be here on this planet. I know nothing about how civilized humans should behave. This happened last year, in the fall semester maybe. I still got the bitterness from the memory, it still makes me cry, The fact that I can't hate him for even this. I hate how he made me feel that day, but I can't hate him. There comes my self pity and low self-esteem....And tomorrow I have to face all of them.
I have to face everybody knowing I am the person who doesn't have a close friend, knowing that nobody knows how devastated I was tonight that I wanted to cut some skin. I never knew I would feel so shitty to do such thing like that. I never knew it is possible for me to feel so low. SO unfit for this world that I wanted to punish myself for being like that.
SO it is actually a thing.I am understanding it a bit, now.
People who does self harm goes a lot of layers of emotions to finally cut themselves. Because tonight I could cut the slightest..It is not even a cut. I only left scratches.
It must really hurt for the people who are able to cut deep. It must hurt pretty bad.
I remember this year or from the last year, I remember myself craving for company. For some attention. I don't remember loathing myself at to the point where I feel gross in my own skin. Where I want to attempt self harm. I don't remember feeling like that, until today. Today. I felt like I am the most unwanted, unworthy creature on this earth. Nobody wants to be with me. I felt like I don't matter even the least. I am a wasted space to my parents. I am a boring company to my friends. I am not interesting as a partner so I don;t have anyone. Today I felt like everything just piled up against me. Today, one of my relatives died, out of the blue. Just had a stroke and died in a hospital. Just like that. And I didn't go see her body. But she had been a prominent figure in our family. She had been present in my childhood in almost every family occasion. And all I have left of her, is the essence of her, how she was as a sister of my grandmother. That's all. She is probably very distant person in my memory but she isn't completely erased. I remember a hint of her. And it doesn't feel good knowing she is gone.
What made it worse, is when you feel suicidal things in your head, in your heart, you want to find comfort in your friends. Or family. When I was in the university today, Batman ignored me the whole time because I didn't share this song with him which I was supposed to, because I once told him his opinion mattered. And it still does. But now it doesn't make him feel like what I say to him or about him is valid, does it? I made this one mistake of not sharing it with him, I shared it with another person and it made him so upset that he didn't even listen to my cover of the song. And he won't talk to me, or even look at me.
Here's why it is killing me. He is the only person who constantly talks and never stops to amaze me or make me laugh and forget about the horrors of life. Now that's been taken from me I don't know what to do. I feel more unfit. Turtle dove has him to herself all the time. They look like a couple but T tells me there is nothing going on between them other than friendship. I get that but I need a friend too. I need them to be my friends. I can't tell them how I feel having nobody. I got home, constantly blabbered because I felt like talking and nobody was there to listen to me. I talked to my schizophrenic brother if he ever felt like quitting life, he must come to me I made him swear on my life. I spoke to our bua about the most unimportant stuffs that ever could be spoken, and I told my mother after she came home from the janaza, I told her things that she already knew, things like take precautions and live healthy, don't die please.
And I don't know what is going inside of me. I don't know why instead of remembering all the fondest memories about singer guy, I got reminded of the day, when I wore this black top, yes just a moment ago, I was surfing clothes in my closet and I found the black top, I got reminded of the day when he raged all his anger at me, because I screamed in the street all of a sudden and that is not how anybody should behave in a street. He payed for my meals afterwards but I shouldn't have let him. I remember being deeply hurt that day, I cried in the shower after I got home, I felt like somebody just stabbed me in my stomach and I felt so bad about myself. I felt like I was an alien, I shouldn't be here on this planet. I know nothing about how civilized humans should behave. This happened last year, in the fall semester maybe. I still got the bitterness from the memory, it still makes me cry, The fact that I can't hate him for even this. I hate how he made me feel that day, but I can't hate him. There comes my self pity and low self-esteem....And tomorrow I have to face all of them.
I have to face everybody knowing I am the person who doesn't have a close friend, knowing that nobody knows how devastated I was tonight that I wanted to cut some skin. I never knew I would feel so shitty to do such thing like that. I never knew it is possible for me to feel so low. SO unfit for this world that I wanted to punish myself for being like that.
SO it is actually a thing.I am understanding it a bit, now.
People who does self harm goes a lot of layers of emotions to finally cut themselves. Because tonight I could cut the slightest..It is not even a cut. I only left scratches.
It must really hurt for the people who are able to cut deep. It must hurt pretty bad.
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