Everly

So eid went surprisingly good. I thought my cousins wouldn't show up at our house because all their drivers were on holiday. But my uncle drove them and I had all of my cousins crowded out in my room. My niece came too! And we ate and gossiped and I slept over to another of my cousin's house. So I guess this year's eid wasn't bad at all. It gets better when you don't expect at all... And I still am kind of hung up over him. I know he doesn't think about as much I do about him. But I still wanted to see him. I still wanted to be with him...This semester is so brutal. I get to see him two days in a week and for like barely an hour. Can you believe it? Sometimes I get late for the class or he leaves for home early and I don't even get to see him the whole week. This is...I don't know how I will manage when we'd go our separate ways. I don't know how I will actually physically control myself seeing him start dating. I mean sooner or later, that ha...

This year's eid is no eid at all. I am on my pjs and I just showered and I have no other place to hang out. I had plans with my friends, which I cancelled only because he didn't call me yet to say if he could pick me up. That's...I know how pathetic it sounds. But No I am serious. I don't wanna go there if I don't matter at all. It is better I stay home like this and wail. My brother hasn't dressed up either. There is no eid at my house. Nothing is the same like last year. I don't know why I feel like this is how it supposed to be. There is no point in celebration. There is nothing to celebrate.

I am way over my head here...How did I fall back again? UGH. I should have some self-control, I am serious. This ain't going anywhere. But that smile oh gosh. I missed him. He shouldn't have this pretty smile. I wish his teeth were yellow, and had the worst smile in this planet. But no. He has to have a smile that melts my heart every time I see it. I hate myself right now. I totally do. It is not like I am in control of myself. You can't control these things, can you? Oh Allah. Please save me from this. Please don't make me fall right back in. It was so hard. I can't go through this again. No.

I dozed off last night and that is what I have been doing past few days. And it is like so hard to keep myself awake.

My parents are so unhappy with me. Well, can they be blamed? I am a little shit. They don't deserve a daughter like me. It would have saved them so much trouble, if I weren't just born. If my brother and I weren't fraternal twins. If he was the only one born. They could have focused on him more and maybe, maybe. He wouldn't get schizophrenia. And I would not exist in this world so I wouldn't have known/cared. I have mid exam tomorrow. I haven't studied at all. You know, I spent all night last night trying to know more about this disease. I tried a simulator. It broke me inside. My brother has to go through that all day everyday and to him all those aren't delusions, those are reality to him and unreality for us normal people. Some psychiatrist even said, you'd be better off with cancer than schizophrenia, because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia. Cancer has certain treatment measures. But with schizophrenia, the mental illness, it is unsol...

I talked to my brother today, learned a few things about him. I didn't realize yet how much I missed him and how much was missing between us till this conversation this morning...Tho I was the blabbermouth, still it was necessary. I hope it meant something to him. I hope it fixed something there. I hope he doesn't feel so alone in this anymore.

My sister is pretty settled down with her life now. And she seems happy. That is a good thing I guess, for her. I want her to be happy and appreciating toward life, because my brother on the other hand is totally indifferent toward his. It sucks to see him like this, gradually giving up. I sometimes wish, if I were in his place. What would I do. Being a girl has its advantages. You somehow manage to pull yourself up. No matter how bad the wound is in your heart. You somehow stitch up a patch and go with the flow as it is. You somehow make it through. My brother has been different since this year started... And since then, I have been missing his old self. I don't feel like I have a brother. I don't feel like it. I miss him, being able to talk with me about any topic, his laughter, his eagerness toward food and current affairs of the world and history. We are twins yet we are so different. Right now, I just want him to be happy. I want him to love himself as much so he could ...

Just when I thought, I am gonna completely focus on myself rather than anything, I am awestruck by him again and I know this is only gonna get worse...I am getting more and more invested in his life. This isn't right. This is threatening...I don't know what to do at this point. The problem is. I intentionally look and then overlook his flaws. The mental list that I subconsciously create in my mind, been unchecked many qualities he has in possession. And that should be enough for me to quit the obsession I have with him, But you know what is the main issue here? I am not seeing other guys in the same way I see him...I see him like he is some kind of god. Of music. Or something so extra-ordinary that just made a place in my heart that I cannot replace with other guy. It is impossible. ALMOST. I mean. Not yet have I found any other guy I can be attracted to both mentally and physically and enjoy his company and miss him during his absence. Okay deep stuff. I know, I wasn'...

everything piling up for the week and the mid is almost near. I know I promised myself, I will secure a good grade this semester but seriously how am I gonna finish all those stuffs I saved up studying for later....STRESSING OUT!

I thought the scratches faded and weren't that noticeable. But today, B found out about it and you know how bad I am at hiding. So they know. Oh my god, they must think how weak as a person I am to do such thing. Or how I was craving attention or something. Geez I couldn't even state a valid explanation to T, I don't knowi it was just so much, I didn't know how to say to her; where to start why I did it to myself. I am so ashamed. How can those faded out things came in notice? I almost forgot I had them, I almost forgot about the night I tried to harm myself in someway possible. I almost forgot I felt low, like the lowest human being who was just a wasted space on this earth. But after that night, the week I pulled my shit together, all I could, and I did feel a bit strong and I promised myself I will never ever do such thing ever. But I feel like doing it again for the sake of doing it. No I am not gonna do it. This weekend I am gonna stay positive. Yes. I won't c...

I am so fucking confused right now. About him. Okay so let me start off by saying, last week has been crazy for me. I've been miserable and depressed at a level which made me want to harm myself. I felt unwanted, unworthy and unsexy... And I am having like a bad hair month. I don't know maybe because of the humid or something my hair is like in a very vulnerable condition. One of the reasons why I felt unsexy. But today when he complimented my hair by saying if it was all natural or did I copy one of those in game of thrones girls, I got the past feels. There has been a time when he completely ignored my existence, but today, he did notice everything I said and he was kind of...I don't know...Flirty? In a very harmless way tho. But what I did? I shooed him away. I felt like I couldn't respond intelligibly and it was almost killing me inside. For the first time in forever, he'd been playful and I just couldn't send him the correct vibe. But I did feel sexy ...

Joining club in the university has made me realize this one thing. I may not survive in corporate world, where people's minds boil with ideas and my mind only wonders when's I gonna get home and take a nap and eat food.

I should have known anti-cutters don't cut skin. There is reason; it is only used for papers. But I got a little hint of scratch in my wrist where I applied Vaseline so it should be fine. I remember this year or from the last year, I remember myself craving for company. For some attention.  I don't remember loathing myself at to the point where I feel gross in my own skin. Where I want to attempt self harm. I don't remember feeling like that, until today. Today. I felt like I am the most unwanted, unworthy creature on this earth. Nobody wants to be with me. I felt like I don't matter even the least. I am a wasted space to my parents. I am a boring company to my friends. I am not interesting as a partner so I don;t have anyone. Today I felt like everything just piled up against me. Today, one of my relatives died, out of the blue. Just had a stroke and died in a hospital. Just like that. And I didn't go see her body. But she had been a prominent figure in our famil...