Skip to main content
There is a thing called fate. Do I believe in it? Technically, No. Metaphorically, Yes.
I believe there are dots everywhere, each connects to the other and leads the way.
When I look back into my past, I don't look at some dots, scattering all around, I see a chain, a connection of some sort. And a contribution that brought me to the present.

I don't know why I felt the need to say this. I just felt that all my life, I had accepted where I stood. Which I shouldn't. I shouldn't give up. I shouldn't stop at where I am now. This must go on. My life can't pause into thinking about one man in particular. I can't waste my time thinking what could be with just that guy. He doesn't count in my future. Or maybe I would see him around. But I can't jeopardize my present thinking about what ifs. Daydreaming about being loved and cared for when the truth is. He might just not be into the bigger picture. He might just be a fluke or a valueless, timeless obsession.

When I took a good look at his physique the other day, I realized what could be the reason that attracted my mind so much...I realized, what is so special about him is that I think something's special about him.But he is just as flawed as a human can be. Maybe more than flawed. And when I realized that, I kept telling myself, I must be a fool. A great big fool to have fallen for someone like this. And right now, when all he wants is to win that girl's heart...a rebound to get over the past. Wants to be with someone so people don't look at him with pitiful eyes and you know the greater truth? I am not that someone, I will never be the someone and I don't want to be that girl he wants by his side. I am just not that type. And he is just not my type at all.

It feels great to get attention. To get compliments from him but I realized, my want and needs just stop right there. I don't love him enough to be with him. I realized this the other day. God it would be awkward if we were....GOD it would be such a dysfunctional combination of souls.

Glad. I am glad I realized this. I am glad I don't feel much miserable like I used to. 









Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more

v day

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more