Everly

You know what I've learned this year? You just have to let go of it all. You can't force friendship. You can't please everyone. You can't make other person like you. LIKE YOU just doing everything nice, everything right and everything well. I suck at these things. All I know is if somebody doesn't count you in, you better count that person out. I guess I am doing that now. Batman is out. I once cared for him a lot but he doesn't give a rat's ass so he is out of my life. I mean I still have to see him a lot, T is best friends with him. He hurt me a lot. I used to be fond of him you see. One day, he just decided to hurt me, make me realize I don't even exist as a person in his life whilst I made long term plans for our friendship. So he is out. I crop him out. He is out. He is just. Poof. GONE.

I've been craving ice-cream and babies.

There is a thing called fate. Do I believe in it? Technically, No. Metaphorically, Yes. I believe there are dots everywhere, each connects to the other and leads the way. When I look back into my past, I don't look at some dots, scattering all around, I see a chain, a connection of some sort. And a contribution that brought me to the present. I don't know why I felt the need to say this. I just felt that all my life, I had accepted where I stood. Which I shouldn't. I shouldn't give up. I shouldn't stop at where I am now. This must go on. My life can't pause into thinking about one man in particular. I can't waste my time thinking what could be with just that guy. He doesn't count in my future. Or maybe I would see him around. But I can't jeopardize my present thinking about what ifs. Daydreaming about being loved and cared for when the truth is. He might just not be into the bigger picture. He might just be a fluke or a valueless, timeless obses...

I ship them! I ship Turtle Dove and Batman. Sometimes, when they talk to each other about movies or songs or the things they know so well, I stare at them and scream "JUST MARRY EACH OTHER ALREADY!" of course inside of my mind. If I actually did scream I don't think they'd be with me anymore. But how cute are they! I mean seriously! They're so alike and synchronized. I honestly think they should be a couple. But who am I kidding. T doesn't like him that way and I don't know what goes inside of B's mind. Could be that he likes her but gave up on her. Maybe he thought being friends with her would be the easiest way out and he would get hurt lesser that way....I DON'T KNOW I JUST WANT THEM TO BE TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY IF ETERNITY LASTED BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DAMN CUTE!SO singer guy. He looks weird now. I liked his beard. Now that his beard is gone, I feel like his manliness kinda shrank. Why did he have to shave? WHY. But he called me cute today. That...

You know what? I am just gonna concentrate on being a 20 year old from now on. Adult. Responsible 20 year old.

My brother and I, we are twins, but there are so many ways in which we are different. He hasn't got the stubbornness that I have in me. He doesn't get inspired to do anything, like ever! And now with the mental condition, his cynical behavior multiplied. And I can't see him like this. I feel like we are all drowning with him, we are in the same ship. I hate the fact that, I can't make him. My own baggage full of crap, scares me. How am I gonna carry him to the shore? If he is not willing to do anything? And if something happens to  our parents, it would break us all. I don't know what horror that would bring to our family. I just don't know.

First. Valentines day. I spent it with my friends, from turtle dove's roof, songs, lanterns in the sky, everything was magical. Then Me, Nalu and Sumu had a little adventure...We were almost chased by German Shepherd. Actually no, it was chained and it only barked. But was enough to make us run like bunch of crazies down the lane quarter past nine. The weather was chilly and I didn't think about what my parents would say getting home this late. I lied to them in the first place, told them I was doing group study at my friend's house.... Anyway, I felt awesome first time in a long time. Okay. So yesterday. I learned three chords on ukulele, he taught me for like one hour and half. I never felt so dumb...It took so much time to pick up a tune. I wonder how he had the nerve. He said he would buy me one if I learn how to play it up to his expectation....I think it was very sweet of him. See? I am falling for him again. I am such an easy peasy. UGH. Again. WHY WHY WHY ca...

I think all women are hormonal, flaky and delusional. Some are just good at hiding it. And certainly I don't belong to that group of some. The problem isn't that I am a WOMAN and I can't handle my emotions and sometimes make a mess of tears and think about stupid things and then laugh at my own stupidity. The problem is that- sometimes, I just can't process things, logically. It is not just the fault of my gender. It is my immaturity. And okay, yeah, partially, I blame those female hormones. We are both equally responsible for the mess. You see, I have to grow some balls and MAN UP. Okay that sounded way too literal. All I mean is, I have to think more logically from now on. Shush all those illogical, motherly, womanly thoughts that stay inside my head without a rent. I should save them for later. When I will have someone to share all that crap. Right now, I have to take care myself, tackle life in the practical way. I have to think more logically....YES. That's ...

I don't have a clue what is happening this semester. I completely gave up my studying. Yesterday I went to university and didn't go to any of the classes. I spent the whole day with friends. I hate myself. I hate how I am wasting my father's money. I don't know what to do. I am making mess everywhere I go... Right now I am binge watching How I met Your Mother and I'm afraid I am liking it more than I liked watching Friends...Problem with live streaming is, when it buffers, I start to think back how I am wasting my time, how I am not studying and making any improvements, how I am such a lazy ass and how I've no dignity. Every thought links me down to him. Our conversation. And another him. Our holding hands. Yeah, there's two of them now. I don't know how it happened, I sorta disliked the other one in the past, but how in the hell did I end up liking when he did what he did with my pinky. I know it sounds bizarre and weird but yeah..He was sort of pl...

I smoked. Correction. This time I actually finished a whole cigerette. And apparantly you shouldn't do it in a locked room. My brother already thinks somebody smoked. I told him it is some perfume I used because I wanted to smell good.Now I turned on the fans and trying to make the smell go...I am so dumb. Why did I have to do it in my room GEEZ. Anyway. It felt so good. Watching myself in the mirror, Inhaling in and then letting it out. I felt like a pro. I felt free. Like nobody is judging me about it free. This is the last time I swear. Never doing it again. Nope. I don't want to jeopardize my lungs.

Dear Blog. I know I've been telling myself to stay away from drama but I guess I couldn't help being caught up. SO here is what is going on... Singer Guy might have a crush on Makeup girl but Makeup Girl is dating someone so Singer guy might WAIT until they break up So he could date her. And the twist is- Makeup Girl's boyfriend lives out of country. SO there's like a big chance of their breakup. I did anticipate this. That they might like each other a bit but I can't imagine them dating. You see. It is ....I just can't see him getting close to her. I don't know how me and turtle dove are gonna handle this but we already despise the idea. It is all a prediction though. But I know his preference. He prefers pretty girl. Girl he can show off and the type of girl who will make every guy jealous. Makeup Girl is hot. And smart af. So I don't blame him if he ends up asking her out. But....This feels all wrong. Today he asked me if I like somebody. And.....

I am starting to realize the importance of living in the moment. Also that time is running out. Really fast. And before you know it, you will start missing whatever you have now. Last week was a blast. I spent way too much time with my friends. Crush included. :)) You know what. I should start studying now. I owe it to myself. My future self.

Oh my. When you want something really bad...Really really bad...The universe will bring it to you. But you won't get it...You won't own it.

If I could make a movie out of my life, he would certainly be the devil whom I'd fall madly in love with but be in denial all through the interval.  And the climax would be that we end up being a couple, not highly functioning but...we'd be passionate and wild and a perfect mess. And we seem to get it together by arguing, hurting, clashing and one dominating another and eventually we would find the exit to the dark black tunnel that was our relationship. My movie would have a sad ending with no hope and no sequel. Thankfully. I am not a movie directer/producer/writer. And so in real life it is kind of hazy. Basically. He doesn't like me that way so. I don't know. I get the vibe that I am never going to be someone he would ever even think about asking out. But I like how it is. I don't know what he thinks of me...He doesn't hint out as well. And he doesn't know I fancy him...HAHA. So fun. No scope of knowing what really goes on. But it surely adds up to th...