Everly

You deserve everything your heart desires.  There is a sort of sweetness in the agony of loneliness. The absence of care and the space you get for yourself, not being cared for by anyone you burn for. Okay, maybe it doesn't sound so sweet, but when you attach music to it, it sure does feel like poetry. You're paining inside to be with someone, yet that someone is absent in your life, and you look at the immense possibility that you two will cross path someday and everything will have its meaning and life will be magical as if you're in some kind of drug. The time gap is surely sweet because you're on your own now. You're enjoying the moonlight all by yourself, you're walking on your terrace all by yourself, listening to songs about love, cool breeze brushing your face and messing with your hair...It is all so poetic. You're not in any deep sort of pain, you are just letting the craving dissolve you with its sweet touch. You're just wondering, maybe in fe...

 WELL WOW HAHA I am back to square one. The lonely life, It sure feels great, like, I can focus on myself again haha. Men are despicable creatures, well most of men, I've encountered with.... UGH Where is my sweet prince, I am so tired. Approach me sweet prince, and let's fall in love. I need some oxytocin, endorphins and maybe a bit of adrenalin. So be my guest...Let's do this together. Let's make this horrifying time a great time...A beautiful time, a foolish time....ugh I am so romantic right now it is almost ironic. Where the fuck is my soul mate? Is he like....lost....I am getting more and more impatient.  I smoked like chimney yesterday. Got high too. What a great Christmas this year!

 Dear B, I have sorted it out with my parents, not that I completely amended myself with their ideologies, I am my own person now, I just learned to come to a peaceful bargain with them. I will go out with their permission and I will be honest about my whereabouts and be keeping their trust. And even if I go out with a guy, I will let them know. And if they accuse me of something, I haven't done, I won't take it.... So far, it's been working out. Because, they actually let me hangout with my friends for coffee. I also went shopping yesterday with my mom. My mood's been drastically changed and there are almost no fights between us, so I would say, this is a good arrangement. I am talking with someone. I wouldn't elaborate on this because it's been only two nights and we haven't met. So yeah! Life's not that bad. 

I stormed out of home yesterday around evening time, got in an ugly fight with my parents.  Basically, I am getting my puberty driven repulsiveness and rebel like attitude at the age of 24. As much as it hurts to say this, I told them to reject the identity of me being their daughter and I also said (out of rage) that I don't count them as my parents anymore. My father is no longer talking with me, when I am spoken to, he is rather passive aggressive with me. Hear me out, I have no intention to hurt them as much they intend to hurt me, or even identify their actions as 'hurtful' or even empathize toward the fact that- I am hurting being isolated from my friends/cousins, the fact that I have no social life. Their main concern is- NOT just the virus, but the fact that I may date a guy or meet a guy and do stuff- and frankly, I am not in the mood for dating now. Even if I do meet a guy- What is the harm? Why are they against me having a 'life'? Why this people's op...

My father turned 65 today. My project of 2021 is to not stay depressed no matter how bad things get. I know how difficult it is to stay motivated regarding the situation with the pandemic and unemployment and everything.  But I am trying my best here. I am trying to tutor as much as possible to save up some money for my future. One of my friends is getting married next year. I am so excited for her. I think I am gonna have a very good time from the start of 2021. Also the vaccine is on the way. We are getting it maybe mid of summer.  I hope everything comes back to normal. My heart's been craving to sit in a coffee shop with a book, wearing no mask, red wine lipstick, with dark blue sweater on and black hair ribbon on a low pony tail. I don't know I just feel good picturing this.