Everly

The color of my new room is lavender. The living room is biscuit and the dining is red orange...My mom is super psyched to move there. It would be a definite lie if I say I am not. I'm counting days. So yesterday I went on a long drive, somewhat, with cousins and we ate at this place. We had a nice chat. My senior cousin brother is getting married next year. So we were like planning things. And I realized. I have so many unimportant things in life I give importance to. When I was spending time with my cousins, I understood how unnecessarily I worried when I stayed home. I felt like a big weight just lifted off me because all we did was just have dinner and listen to mashup song covers in the car my cousin brother was driving. And I felt like the guy I thought so much about isn't even my least priority then. I didn't even felt the urge to be with someone to feel happy. I felt like I am better off like this. Just so focused on the moment. And I wished, My own brother ...

So my reverse sleeping pattern has been reversed. At least for now. I wake up in the morning without the alarm although I sleep exceedingly. It is just I get tired before the clock even strikes 11 at night and I guess that is a good thing according to all the normal humans. This year is full of surprises. So my cousin brother, senior of em all, is getting married on January next year. I love weddings especially when it's in the family. My sister was the first one getting married and I was rather emotional than joyous in that occasion. Hope this time I get to enjoy myself. I really am thankful for this semester break. I needed to pull a break this month. I am using it as an excuse to pamper myself...

At this point I am pretty sure my parents regret the decision of having me as their daughter. Mainly because of my reckless lifestyle. It isn't reckless if you put it on reality. I might be doing what every unoccupied 21 year olds do at their homes. Sleeping for over 10 hours. Watching movie all day, sitting around not doing exercises, staying up late, skipping breakfast, not spending quality time with their schizophrenic brother. Yeah last one is pretty uncommon, I take that....But as long as I am not smoking pot or doing drugs, everything sounds just normal to me. I feel like my parents are just overly concerned... Although, I don't wanna sleep half of the day and stay up all night. But I just can't help it. I feel so tired when I am sleeping and it feels impossible to leave the bed then. It is not like I deliberately skip breakfast, I am just too tired to eat... SO I need discipline in my life. I also I need someone to understand me and just be there when I feel li...

So on the month of may, we are probably gonna move houses. It is so sudden I know. Our family have been living here since my mother got married to my father, since my sister was born, learned to walk and then talk and then me and my brother were born. We've been a joint family for all these years. I've never been alone in the family side. My cousins were there to play with. Then us, siblings, we grew up, after 20 something years, we grew apart. For a family feud that took place between my father and uncle over a piece of flat. And then, my brother took it so seriously, he got badly affected, he heard voices in his head, thought there were spy cameras, invading him, fixed by my uncle and then we came to realize, he isn't mentally well. He got diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't know if that resulted from family issues but it surely did harm the mental harmony of my brother's health and nothing can be compromised now. We need a change. He needs a change. I need a...

Can I feel lonelier?????? I don't know why I felt like a time being alone is a time wasted. I am kind of getting sick of waiting for someone to just show up in my life and love me despite everything I am. Just love me. And be there and just make me feel like I matter.

SO T planned a whole reverse birthday surprise party for me and I knew all along. My mother told me the day before. But I had to act surprise so I acted more than surprised, I accidentally dropped my cellphone on the floor when I entered the room of 20 people screaming me Happy Birthday with balloons hanging on the walls, ceiling fans, closet everywhere with handmade cards and then I cut the cake with my brother it was fucking awkward but nobody has ever thrown me a surprise party for me like this. I felt so important. I loved it....And trust me I didn't know these much of people would show up. I was like expecting barely 10 people. So in a sense I was actually surprised. And the phone dropping, screaming at the top of my lungs was genuine after all. Best Birthday Ever. So I am 21 now, huh. Still feels like a clueless teenager.

I kind of realized today, how much Turtle dove and Batman mean to me. And I actually can't stay mad at T...Seeing their faces actually made my day.