Everly

 Dear B.  Past few days have been really tough on me given that I started a new job and I was feeling really shaky and anxious about everything in my life. It messed with my sleep, my mood, my appetite, relationship with my husband, and overall made me lose connection to myself. I felt so down and something just didn't feel right.  Today, I feel really calm and collected. I realized when hard times come, it is really important not to lose hope. It is so easy to give in to it and let the mind narrate a story that is far from reality just to put ourselves at unease. However, we have to remind ourselves as many times as we can that it is a temporary feeling and let it pass without putting more thoughts into it.  On the bus rides, countless times I have victimized myself thinking "I am not worth it" or "I am so poor", "Maybe I'll lose this job", "Maybe my husband will stop loving me", "He doesn't make any efforts" and it only pu...

 Hello B, I had a crazy night and an anxiety episode few days back. I was drunk and for some reason, I channeled a very sad energy and started sobbing in public. It was the first day of my work too and I guess I was too overwhelmed.  I just remember in the girl's washroom at the club, I was crying to some stranger and she was so nice and kind and told me it is completely normal to feel this way.  I guess I surpassed a lot of feelings inside and it all came out and I just couldn't handle it.  I remember crying so hard.  I also opened up to my husband how unhappy I had been lately and that we don't go out and spend couple time anymore. He listened and said he is now going to make efforts.  I was thinking very negatively about everything and it didn't do me well. I felt like I was in such a bad place oh god.  I have to take care of myself well. I have to make time to process feelings and also try not to be so insecure.  My insecurity stems from me fe...

 Hey B,  I got a job offer. It is part-time and long distance from my area but it is a start.  I had gone through a lot emotionally and psychologically that at this point, I will take whatever comes my way. It is not that much of money but it is still something to get my dignity back.  I am still awaiting responses from other interviews but I said yes to this one for now. My heart said, you should not let go of it. So I listened to my gut and took it.  I know I can work hard and do better. I know this will help me to reconcile myself and get myself on a track. At least, now I see a path ahead of me. I am not so scared anymore. I know everything will work out at the end.  There is no gain without pain. I know this long hour bus rides will be tough but I also do know it will give me a purpose to wake up and hustle. I know I will meet new people. I know I will learn something. I am excited for that.  I am proud of myself that I took charge and showed up f...

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 

Dear B,  I've had an interview yesterday for a job, which I don't know if went well. I will hear from them end of this week. I don't want to get disappointed so I am not expecting much out of it. I am glad at least I was shortlisted for an interview. Actually, for months my resume was getting unnoticed. So, having calls for interviews actually a good sign.  Today, I also had the urge to stay in bed and do nothing. Instead, I woke up, made myself breakfast, and uploaded a reel about it. I currently have only 37 followers but I am staying committed for those 37 people lol and most of them are my friends. I don't have much clue what I am doing. I am just trying it out. Though it is hard for me get comfortable with the camera. I also did my bare minimum 20 minutes workout. So I guess, I am staying consistent with the commitment I made to show up for myself.  I want to get more disciplined. I guess I have to push myself more. So far, it is not too bad.  I will update you ...

 Hi B,  I am at this point of my life where I can either play the blame game and be a victim or be in charge of fixing my life. Searching for jobs has been so frustrating. However, I can't give up on it. I know I will get a job by this year and things will get easier.  I am trying to show up for myself every day instead of seeking refuge in my bed. I am trying to be consistent. I am trying out a new thing called content creation. I am working out at least 20 minutes a day. Somedays I do feel lazy but I still make myself do at least something. I have emotional breakdowns often and I get disappointed at my husband too for not being a good husband sometimes but then again, he is not in charge of my life. I can't simply expect that. I guess I am just trying to navigate through this mess called 'life.'  What made me realize is that without work there won't be any outcomes. I can't just simply sit on my ass all day and expect results. I have had enough of this. I move...