Everly

Day 73 The lock down will be over soon. However, there is no cure for the virus yet. Vaccines are on test run. I heard a news today, that it will be available mid June, I am not sure if it is valid. There is other news  on TV which said, it is expected that we will get it by November. I have been feeling hopeful about it. Yes, it would be difficult to get a job, such and such in the next few months. But all I care about now, is as long as my family is safe. I feel so grateful, that I have a roof over my head, I have a minimum wage tutoring job and that I found a mission today. My current goal is to work towards saving money for traveling. I will try looking into universities abroad meanwhile, but if I save enough and work enough on my current tutoring, I can visit Canada and my niece and my sister and have a retreat. I think I deserve a vacation. Of course, I need to work hard as my pay is minimum, and also it is gonna take me 6 months at least to save that much amount to bo...

Day 71 Last night I had a mental breakdown. I kept thinking back all the good memories this year, and it traced back to him. We don't talk anymore. Like the old times. And after wallowing and soaking my face with tears, I realized, I am such a micro portion of his life. I stalked his instagram like a textbook, I occasionally do that. It makes me feel more insecure, because he got a lot of going on for himself. And the pictures he likes of girls, they look so perfect, with their bodies and with their fancy backgrounds. And here I am. Such a mess. I know perfect is an illusion. And I know, I have said, we will meet again after lock down but I am not so sure anymore. The idea of us is fading. He probably sees us as some fling that has flung by now. And he probably will not miss me. Because this is normal for him. He has done it before. And he will do it again, with someone else. Or he will find someone to be in a serious relationship with. And that's just not with me. You k...

day 69 Today is last day of ramadan for this year. I can't stop wondering what will happen next year at this time. Saw it on the news, the vaccine will probably make its way around November, if all goes well. 2020, what a year! You know everything is slowed down but I realized something. We are always waiting on something to happen instead of living in the moment. We are losing moments to worrying about the future. About the uncertainty. It is a pandemic. We are supposed to worry but are we ever gonna get these moments back once the pandemic is over? It's a very unsettling feeling that once this is over, we are going to face the real consequences. We will have to fight harder, with life, for jobs, for money, for sustainability. Staying home has surely been a roller coaster ride of thoughts and emotions. And the real deal is when we will come out of this. How are we going to tackle what's ruined? How are we going to mold the pieces that's been broken in our syst...

I read somewhere once- "Adulting is settling for scrambled eggs when you wanted to make an omelet." And I felt that. Yesterday, I made duas, I prayed, I basically reached a spiritual high. There was a time, I cried, let out everything that was paining me inside. And I am imperfect, and sure I did mistakes, I have not perfected the surahs or the pronunciations, but I still felt better praying, it felt almost like a therapy.  And I feel like everything is gonna be okay.  We will get through this in our own imperfect, messy ways. People will die. Health systems will expose cracks, economy will face recessions, but we will progress, there is no way backward. We are only heading forward. We will get through this. 

Day 63 I finished the book I was reading that I started when the havoc created with corona virus in our country. 21 people died today. This may go for a while. Maybe I'd be 26/28/30 and still be dealing with this. This is the new normal now. Social distancing, staying home, economic recession, news headlines about deaths and infected and survivors. In this hardest of times, the only thing that could soothe the soul, is reading a book that speaks to me. And this particular book spoke to me, when I was torn apart, when I was going through his resentment of me, when I relapsed, when he started being nice again and then again distant and I had to make up my mind, I have to be my own person, my own attention giver and this author and her words spoke to me. Took me into a space where everyone was silent and my nerves where silenced and I just hung on to the most powerful words she might've said and I felt it so deeply and read out each sentence like poetry and like some sacred bib...

day 60 I miss him so much. In a good way. Not like in a desperate way. I miss him knowing that after this crisis ends, we are gonna meet each other again. I believe that. Even if he finds someone to hang out with. I'll be there. I don't care if we are not gonna end up being together. I am open to whatever possibilities we have, even the thinnest ones. I miss his face. I miss his beard. I miss everything about him. The time he rubbed off lipstick stains from my face with his hands. The time he kissed my stomach. The time he held my waist. His teeth on my neck. I cherish every moment of us being together. It was not much, it was just couple of hours if I sum it all. We didn't get much time, it was so short and sweet and I am happy it happened. I am happy he was my first kiss. I like him, and even if we don't love each other enough or know each other enough, I still wanna be with him. Even the day, when he would get married to somebody else, I will be happy for him. C...

Day 59 I am trying to keep sane. It is not easy. The world is going towards a dark tunnel. All the good things will get sucked in. I can't think forward. Life is going to be super tough. And we are not prepared for this.

Day 55 Last night, there was this cockroach that fell from the ceiling, on the doorstep of our washroom and I immediately switched to my parent's  washroom because I simply can't deal with disgusting insects crawling on me while I pee. At about 3 am, when I woke up for sehri, I forgot about the cockroach. I done my work peacefully as it was and got out and right when I was in bed I remembered I was supposed to use my parent's because there was a cockroach inside our washroom. Don't you see? Whatever you feel, it is all in the head. I am trying to speak metaphorically of course. Fear is within. It is something that doesn't come externally and you can totally achieve anything you want if you just do your work with the absence of all the bullshit that's in your head, trying to manipulate you into thinking that there is an obstacle bigger than you, when that is only imaginary.

Day 54 I am having tea and it is evening hour and I know this is a bad decision. I don't wanna spend the night being awake because, when I do, I keep remembering all the sad stuff and end up being depressed and ruin my perfectly healthy sleeping cycle again. Ugh, why do I end up being the destroyer of my own sound mind? I am binge watching Bojack Horsemen, you know there's so much of this show that will strike you with- 'That is so nakedly true', I am at this episode where Bojack says- 'No matter how many starts I get,there's always the same ending'. And I felt that. 

Day 52 Okay for now, I am happy that I am cured of insomnia. But other than that, I am super worried about the future. Am I gonna be able to get a job? I don't know. I feel totally purposeless. Good news is, I feel better now. I miss him but I don't need him. If this crisis ends, I may just meet him for cuddles, nothing romantic. I don't care if we don't talk much, I just need to get me some oxytocin. I decided that, I am gonna do whatever makes me happy. If this pandemic had taught me anything, it is that life is temporary and fragile and short and unpredictable and so make every moment count. Enjoy while it lasts. Have fun during the journey rather than worrying about the destination. I know, I know. These are cliched quotes but I hang onto these sayings more than ever. They seem more relatable now. It's just, being home for this long has enabled me to see things from a different light. It made me understand the value of everyday life, the value of to...

Day 50 The quarantine is probably gonna be over soon. The end of this month maybe. They said, it is being difficult to make people maintain the rules and the infected curve is not flattening yet. So they will combat it with, absolutely nothing. People with good immune will survive the infection. I am worried about my parents. There are things that are so dark to even think about so I am not gonna go there. I am trying to live in the present because it is too much. I am not ready to face it yet. Can you believe, even how much the science has progressed, we are all so helpless. We can't fight against this micro-organism. I just hope they find the vaccine for it... You have no idea how much I am craving 'normal'. I think we all are. Going outside. Getting sunshine on my skin. Hugging my friends. Eating street food...

Day 48 I am well rested. Woke up early. Didn't fast. Feeling good in a long time. Content would be the right word. Dear Universe, You're a great teacher. I am gonna live through it all. The things that are broken inside of me will mend. The acne scars of my face? Will fade. My skin? Will glow. I will be happier. I will love everything and everyone. I will find myself again. My core self will ignite. Things I already know about myself, my inner strength: - I love singing -I am a good writer -I am a romantic in the head -I am cute -I forgive -I am emotional -I am imperfect and raw -I don't hurt, I am compassionate -I am stubborn when I need to be -I am sensitive -I am creative -I believe in people I don't know what plans you have for me, but I am excited and I will accept everything with an open heart. Even if the plans you have, make me suffer, I'll know they are only lessons which are going to prepare me for the next journey. Universe, Bro. ...

Day 46 I relapsed. He called, and I melted like a Popsicle in heat.Tried to find rehab in other men, but it doesn't work that way. Remember when I said, getting over someone is all about persistence and resistance? Well, fuck that, I have to start from scratch again. He was as usual, not trying to fix anything or work on things between us, he was just curious about what's been up with me these days and I was being all fluttery and I was telling him how much I missed him. I was so raw with my emotions. He missed me too but it wasn't an equation. I am more invested in him than he is in me and this is not gonna work. I appreciate him calling me, but like I said, he didn't try to fix anything, we are where we are. He will call me whenever he feels like it and will pop in and out of my life whenever he wishes to. I am not and never going to be his priority. I was so proud of myself all these days, for controlling emotions and staying focused. But it's been three da...