Everly

day 43 I have to learn to handle rejections. Instead of getting demotivated, I should get motivated to try harder. I had been rejected of the two internship offers already and one of it had a strength assessment test which I just got the feedback from. And it said, I have to learn to handle constructive criticism and also that I may have a lack of confidence in me and that I may have a tendency understate my achievements. I am gonna have more rejections in the future, given that I have lack of experience. I have to be strong and persevere through it all. It doesn't help staying at home all day, I should find something to do that stimulates my mind. Wasting my energy on movies and sleeping are not gonna get me jobs. Self caring is a complex subject to be honest. It is when you accept your imperfections yet you strive for a growth. You have to make sure you're healthy, by eating healthy, do exercise, correct amount of sleep, let go of toxic relations, find your core self, ...

Day 42 I have a bit of a cough today, I hope I am not infected. There's a guy in our building who's positive. I am only scared to spread. My parents both have health conditions, one has high BP another has Diabetes. So if by any chance they get infected, my whole world is gonna crash... I don't know how to be adult yet. The fact that, this virus is so contagious, people are not gonna come forward to help, even your own relatives. And you can't blame them. The world is super dark right now. I hope we find a cure of this. Otherwise, there's gonna be a great depression in the upcoming months. I don't wanna think about this. I am stuck at home, these thoughts will eat me up whole. He is still in my mind right now. It's like being impossible to focus on the other things rather than us. This morning, I was almost considering to get back with him, send him something sweet or just talk like the normal days. But then I realized, he is not trying. He follows my...

day 40 Starting of ramadan from today. I prayed and I am fasting. I prayed for my family and all that -Make everything okay- kid edition I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed to be loved, the right way. I prayed that if he cannot love me the right way, at least send me someone who can. Because I am aching, and I miss him and I hate myself for missing him and wondering constantly if he is missing me too, if he too looks at our thread on whatsapp, his thumb pondering over the call button. I listen to all the songs he posts on IG story, I am like an obsessive person. I don't know if this is normal post break up tendency that I am all over his page. I don't know when we will be talking again. I am craving good old normal conversation. So much now it hurts. I don't have to get back with him, I just want a conversation... is it too much? Am I failing at saving my dignity? I don't know. Covid-19 is destroying 2020 and we are helpless. Save us from this wrath All...

Day 37 I am proud of myself for not picking up my phone and calling him. Honestly I was on the verge of calling him last few nights but I controlled myself. You know what I did instead? This may sound super crazy, but I actually made a voice note, saying everything I wanted to tell him, pretended I was on call with him and then listened to the record and cried and deleted it. It helped me feel better. Do you realize, how much I am infatuated as a person? I always need to jump from one obsession to another to stop feeling lonely and that's an unhealthy behavior. Talking with him would mean losing the last ounce of my self respect, and I don't think I should do that to myself. I deserve to be treated right, and he is never going to make me a priority like I did him. Whenever I realize this, I distance myself and don't miss him anymore. It's all about resistance and persistence when it comes to getting over someone. I think I can do this. I don't want to fall bac...

Day 31 I woke up this morning. With a feeling I won't be depressed anymore. I felt like making up with him. But then again, he didn't call. He didn't text. He didn't check up on me. Why should I? It's done. We are over. Why am I having such hard time accepting that?

Day 30 My heart is broken. I voluntarily did this to myself. It was going to happen anyway. It was just about a matter of time. I could feel his attention fading away, I could feel him distancing from me. And I felt like the one always trying to make effort. Always texting "I miss you" without any follow up messages. Cried my eyeballs out. My hands were itching to call him. I broke up over a snapchat thread. He seemed like it didn't even bother him even if I exist in his life or not. Here I was, trying to tell him, I was having a hard time getting him out of mind and there he was, advising me on how to get over him. He acted as if we were nothing. This 3 months, were nothing? Why did I feel so much then? Why was I the only one feeling like shit? How is this fair? I am trying to focus on myself now. I don't wanna be depressed anymore. I don't wanna look at his picture and let my mind wonder. I regret opening my heart up to the wrong person.

Day 28 just want to dive into a sleep coma.

Dear Self, Stop romanticizing things. Your life is not a freaking Rom-Com Movie. No man is gonna call you 3 in the morning, asking 'BABE You okay? I missed you. I love you. After this quarantine thing's gonna be over, I am gonna hug you so tight, you're gonna be out of breath." Darling, life is not gonna be juicy. You can't script out somebody's lines, you can't be the director of this, you can't freaking control somebody from afar like a puppeteer. Why you ask? You should stop watching Netflix that's what you should do. I am prescribing you- GET TO WORK, bitch. Work on your resume. Start applying for jobs. You do realize after the quarantine, you're on your own, right? You have a life to start. You are an adult, you will be exposed to learning tremendous things, handle rejections, cry to criticisms, face failures, work like a dog, take care of your loving family? Sweetheart. Stop waiting on that man to call you, just for a fucking distr...

26 Is it really worth it? Exploring? Talking with men from a dating app just to distract the mind? Counting days to hug and kiss Counting days to get a job Counting days to  be independent Counting days to live free

Day 24 I woke up at 4 pm. Couldn't separate myself from bed. I don't feel like talking with anybody. Even the ones, who is checking up on me. Just replied some texts. Also, I am still not over that guy...I think about him most part of my day. Watching Money Heist now, the latest season on netflix. Didn't shower yet. I am toxic. I don't even take classes anymore on that website. I could've earned some handsome money...Just don't feel like doing anything. I don't wanna do this anymore. I want to get out of the house.

Dear Universe, I want love. Please help me find love. Sincerely yours, R