Everly

My mother was never in support of me. I always felt like she was ashamed of me or something. We don't have a close bond. She is a stranger to me for the most part. She hurts me in ways she doesn't even know or care. Today she said why in the first place she gave birth to me? I am such a waste of a child.  I won't have a baby, ever. After this. I won't want a baby because I wouldn't be able to provide all the things in the world my baby would want. I am obsessed with babies but you know, when I see myself, failing at everything, so unimportant in people's lives, I tell myself. I wouldn't want another of me, to exist in future and suffer. I don't want my traits on it. Unless I am incredibly rich, provide for everything, I wouldn't want another life suffering like me in future.  You know, I have had enough of it. Listening to all the money problems and the way I live my life. I am just not the daughter they want me to be.  But do I not beat myse...

This weather is making me think about SLEEP more than ever. All I can think about now is falling asleep. My life is stupid right now. 

No matter how much I want to suppress this feeling, it comes out and pains me. I can say, I moved on and everything but there's still a part of me which holds on to him. Which wants to make an impression on him. I know there are far better things I can do with my life and he should not be my prime focus right now, I know all the logic but why still, I can't get over the fact that he doesn't want me? Why can't I just accept it and fucking move on? Maybe because it is valentines day and I have been single my whole life that I want some action. I wish I could say it without sounding desperate. I don't love him, there's not a thing in him I absolutely adore, to be frank, he sometimes pisses me off. His attitude and everything about him just piss me off. Yet I seek his validation from time to time. If he doesn't like my photo on social media, I convince myself it's not a good photo which is unconventionally untrue. I look great but still I would have this ...

When I was taking a picture beside his wife and him, his hands reached my hair and my neck, I froze, I didn't know if it was right or wrong to even think, because I knew he had sexually abused many women in the past. But I am family. I cannot be one of his many conquests. It made me sick to my stomach. To even think, that he would. I don't know how to put this, how to label this. I mean deep down I know, there is something wrong with these men. They don't understand the fact that, you can't just go and touch someone. There is a rule. You are married. You are a father. You are old enough to understand that. Last week it was even worse. I let this man, who is same age as my dad, touch my hair while I was eating in his dining table. He literally brushed his fingers through my locks. I am not intimate with him ever. He is a distant family. It was really uncomfortable. He stood so close to me that even my brother felt uneasy about it. Just because he was family, I didn'...

Intelligence is the new tits now. When your mind stays sound and crisp, you say all the right things in the right time...you get validated. People like you for making them laugh. Not at you, but at your jokes. Your sarcasm tricks them into thinking, you have a healthy thing going on with yourself. I had always struggled keeping up. I am the clumsiest version of a princess. The reason I called myself princess is because I always expect people to treat me like one and I literally will cry myself out if someone gets a little bit rude with me. I won't say anything but I'll definitely cry. It is not that, I am dumb all the time. I have a voice, I just prefer not to use it. In today's world, you are supposed to be vocal about even the slightest inconvenience.  But I didn't know I was this shy until I came into my university life. Being among friends, lot of them, made me feel, there's this whole part of me, that I don't wanna show them. I found myself to be ...

So January is over, in a snap.  Soon this year will be over.  You know there are moments when I really wish to stop time. Entirely stop it.  I know the more time is passed, it is only gonna get harder. I am not ready. I wish I knew my way around life. At my age, many people are conquering. And look at me.