Everly

Dear God If you exist You have seen me at my worst You have seen my desperation You have listened my frustrations. All this time I have cried to you relentlessly hoping for things to improve . The night occurres and it scares me to death. All these little fears wind up and conspire against me I do nothing but cry like a 5 year old me used to. If you exist you know how I have been. What shaped me, what brought me here. I don't know if I can go anymore. I don't know if I can walk the path you have decided for me. I don't know if it is possible, making a shortcut. To an ambiguity . If you are up there, why is this torture. Why is this normal average life that has no meaning, no significance to my being? Why do I have to live it? I don't know how you think, rationally or more emotionally or you even need to think at all. You are the only person I have been complete candid with. There is no other existence in this world I have opened up to this much. Am I alwa...

Focus. FOCUS. Ugh. Just forget it. My four seconds of trying. I always get stuck about forbidden thoughts. Life is just birth from death. We define ourselves as success and failures. There is no in between. We turn into ashes. There's no sparkle in great human's ashes. They're all the same. It is what we feel. What we touch. What we see. A meaning, dear. I am seeking for a meaning of all this. All this rush. Am I ever going to be happy with my life? Is this all I am ever gonna have? Maybe I wasn't made for this life. I was just created to be destroyed. Maybe this is it. This is just it. Am I ever gonna be great? Am I ever gonna make things great? Am I ever gonna matter? I am so plain. So dull. I am so easy to forget. Why do I feel always out of place? Does this feeling have an end? Or do I have to end it myself?

I have only one and almost half year to sober up. Get my shit together. Be corporate ready. And at this point, my cgpa is not so strong, my mind is all scattered and taken up hundreds and thousands of space with useless information like, what color dress should I wear to class tomorrow?  My mind is like that chair we all have in our room, for piling up used, unwashed or sometimes washed clothes your mom tells you to fold up and put them in closet. The chair that stays piled up all week, maybe a month even. Rest of the room looks tidy, but that chair, oh god the chair. It hardly gets to pull its shit together. The thing that depresses me more, is. It is only going to get harder. There is no break button, the time is ticking, soon I will have to make out something of me. The stakes are high, I am not sure if I can be what I am aspiring to be. 22 is confusing and scary. I don't know what I am doing.

Letting go someone that has been into your mind and soul for a long time is no easy deal. This desperateness of being with that person is greater than any other rationals. It is so unhealthy, to always look up to him, for validation. For sense of security and affection. Yet you feel like, you cannot help it, you feel like you don't have the control of your emotions. The integral part of human emotions I think, is the weather. It has such an influence over me. I don't know the scientific facts behind it, but surely it is doing something to me. There is this ironic, vague feeling inside of my heart. I am so happy, yet unknowingly depressed. I don't know how to make you understand. Yesterday, we smoked. The weather asked for it. I felt so light headed, I felt like everything is possible now. Days before that, I was talking with this person, I secretly loved. Days before that, I tried to cut my skin and cried in desperation for a human. Days before that, I talked with a st...