Everly

I am late on my period and that is causing me a roller coaster of emotions and tiredness. Too much information? Well. I am bored I don't know what else to talk about. I might include this. Today I finished reading Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone...I have been hung up on this book for almost half a year. Because of the semester exams I couldn't get into it. But today I was determined to finish....It is true, this book is purely imaginative, J.K Rowling has a really nice touch on fantasy novels like this. And I like how she used all the popular myths/conceptions, so I didn't need to do any web search. I just knew and portrayed what she was talking about in the book...Also I have watched the movie numerous times, so it was like re-watching it with mind. I liked it. I may move on to the next book tonight.

I forgot being hopeful. I forgot dreaming for a better world. I literally stopped hoping. Worrying myself about the worst things that could happen. I don't know when it started. Maybe the day, my father said, he left his job because his colleagues conspired against him and he didn't get promotion. Maybe from that day, I felt my ground shaking a little. From that day, I felt unsafe, though my father never made me feel any crisis. I felt guilty for every lavish spending I did. I felt a huge lump on the back of my throat every time I did bad in the exams. Because I knew, if I don't get chance in public university, my father will suffer badly. Yet I didn't make anything easy for him. I didn't get admission to any public and here I am in my sixth semester in a private uni with huge expense and no scholarship. It must be hard for him to go to office everyday, at this age. So he could pay mine and my brother's tuition fees. I don't know how he does it what he...

I regret being a plain kid. I should have taken music or dance classes when I was a youngster. Could have helped with my esteem needs and maybe I would have something now to boast about...Seriously I feel like I have nothing to be proud of myself. I suck.

I feel like this year has been eventful... First I found out that my brother is schizophrenic. It came as a shock. But I got used to it. A lot tears shed, depression, denial, silent sufferings then slowly surrendering to acceptance, I've come a long way. And seeing him going to classes, and doing the usual stuffs like eating, praying, studying actually gave me a relief, he is a lot normal now, although he still hears things, he manages to ignore it and live his life. I am grateful for that. I accepted the way he is now. And there's never been a time, I wasn't proud. He is a lot stronger than I am. The highlight of this year would be that we moved to our new apartment. To a completely different area. And so far, I have no such complains. I don't miss my old home, or any of my aunt's ongoing tantrums.... Two of my senior cousins are getting married this year and maybe leaving the country. That is a huge deal in our family. So we are actually getting older and gr...

I don't know what he is doing to me. All I know is.. Whatever he is doing has an adverse effect on me. I don't feel normal...Seriously what gives him the right to have such power over me? What makes him so worthy of my attention and all my time? I hate the fact that I am falling right back again. God. WHY WHY WHY  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es4qbA6YSfQ

So my exams are all over....I didn't do good this semester, no improvements. Turtle dove on the other hand did a vast, got A's on two of em. Can't believe it is my fifth semester and I haven't got an A yet. Shame, shame. So yesterday, we went out, we lunched together after ages, some of them in the group I thought were lost. It felt good seeing everyone after so long. It did feel like we caught up what we missed  this whole semester of separateness. I can't believe I am still hung up on singer guy after all the self empowerment shit I pulled. He just. He just effortlessly makes himself attractive to me. I should have kept my expectations high for men...Seriously it is high time I should. T messaged me last night saying we need to talk and I kinda have a bad feeling on it. She hasn't waken up yet so I don't know. I feel like she has something serious to do with it. I mean I gotta say, I did some back stabbing before, the time when I kind of felt disheart...

The thought of studying makes me wanna take naps. I have slept an unusual amount, and I have another boil, this time on my foot and it hurts every time I walk. I kinda feel it in my muscle though it is on outer skin.  I don't know for what I am being punished for. I shower, I give my body enough food still I am infected with this thing, for twice now, and I tell ya, this time if it hurts again like hell, I would go see a doc and have operation or something. I have another final left.  I am not doing good this semester. At all

Before the finals I get this urge to organize everything, which I think is a nervous behavior. I don't have OCD, I wish I had it sometimes tho. I am too lousy to get this kind of fancy disorder. But. Tomorrow is my final and I am wasting my time in various tasks-like activity for example, I just finished organizing one-third of my drawer, designated it only for purse and bags, and I also am kind of craving to touch my closet, it would be too much tho, everything's there are in topsy-turvy,and I have too much clothes to fold. So I may pass on that. Tomorrow is my business course final. It is about formats of writing and structures used in corporate world, I feel memorizing them is needless. I don't think I may have a chance to get a job by not applying all these into practical terms. I don't see a point of this course being theoretical at all. It is communication for god's sake. It cannot be learned by answering descriptive questions. At least not by book and tips....

My mother thinks I have a problem. Well set of problems. After what seemed like almost a week, when she was back from her relative's wedding, I didn't hug her and said I missed her. So she thinks I am not normal. I do missed her. It is just that I am too awkward for that. She got kind of upset seeing my lack of emotions. I've been sleeping too much. With her being gone, nobody was there to scream at me on my bed. I utilized the time of her gone by oversleeping and headaches that came afterwards. My mother is kind of a woman, who can't conceal any emotions. Let it be anger, sorrow or glee. She mirrors everything she feels inside. She has no control over her emotions whatsoever. Sometimes, I get super mad at her for being unreasonable. Sometimes, I feel sorry for her for being like this...She can be pretty childish sometimes. And she has always had this soft spot for my sister, who is much like her in ways. They both agree on terms. So I am not so close with her.I res...

The thought of him still occurs. It is not like I don't love him anymore. I still do. But the need to constantly want him in my life, to physically be around him have undermined. I wish it was possible to erase all the memories that he has caused me. I wish I could forget him, him individually. Nope. Alzheimer cannot cure that. I always wondered, what would it be like if he liked me back, or think about me the way I think about him. Would it be like one of the cinemas, where love prevails over everything? Would I be happy forever? I am no expert in relationships, so what do I know? I miss those feelings I once felt. It was inspiring. I used to get up for class as early as I could so I could see him and he could see me and say I am beautiful without him realizing how that'd made me feel. Compliments are evil. They make you end up wanting more. I miss those feelings sometimes. I don't know if I will ever feel something like this again. I don't know if I could like some...

You know there comes a time, at night, in the middle of the week or so to the end, I feel completely powerless and break down in tears, and my heart doesn't wanna breathe anymore. I feel like I am in void, and there's no one out there for me. I cry to the end of the night, I curl up and I feel so small and endangered. All the fears come crippling in. And I remember every little thing that hurt me since childhood to adolescence and to now. There's no stopping to it. I remember every detail to the story. And I mourn in present to my past. And my future scares the shit out of me. I keep thinking, is there gonna be anyone who will make me feel safe? The problem isn't that I am single. The problem is, I feel insecure about everything. Every freaking thing. And that's not healthy. Due to this feeling, I need constant assurance, which I don't get. Because I am not so close to anybody in my life. Yes I cry. And that is because sometimes it gets too heavy in my heart ...