Everly

I AM A SILLY, SI-LLY girl.

I feel like I am not opening up to anyone. My cousins. They don't know about how I am doing right now, with my brother's schizophrenia and all. Because one of sisters went to residential campus. And I don't wanna tell her on phone. I probably would tell her when she comes back. And I miss Mysha. I didn't see her since. That family feud with my father and uncle. I feel isolated. These people I used to tell everything in my life that goes on. Now I have no one. It kinda sucks... I guess I am still coping up. It is funny how it is my brother who is sick and I am feeling like a sicko. I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay yet I punish myself skipping breakfast, skipping lunch or dinner and get deprived of sleep. I feel like I don't deserve this life. This... But today it is fine. I had breakfast. I didn't know, things could get better since I learned that my brother is schizophrenic. I didn't know I would be able to listen to songs, laugh o...

I found this song on his like list....I stared at his name on his profile. While this was still playing in my headphones...Crazy beautiful... What is he doing to me. What am I doing to myself. Shit. I figured it out. I figured it all out. I am in love with this man. And it only going to get worse. My heart ached since yesterday, I bade him goodbye and it ached to see him one more time. I don't wanna sound so..poetic and silly. But trust me...whatever I am feeling right now. Can't be just a crush. It's been almost eight months! A crush cannot stay that long. I freaking love that man. And everything about him. Even the things I hate, I love. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't control this emotions....This song... Just made it worse. Why in the hell had to stalk his soundcloud profile??? Why --ugh I can't. I have to get myself together. It only gonna wreck me if I don't. It is never meant to be. We don't belong... But I love him. I can...

I don't like whatever I am feeling right now. I hate the fact that I am not doing enough studying.

I smoked. This is the second and last and I won't do it again. I even didn't finish the whole cigarette. My friend bought me a light one, which was low in nicotine. I felt nothing. It was...Just a little weird sensation ... So Batman knows I am crushed on singer guy. Turtle dove told him about us having crush on the same guy. However he doesn't know, I know he knows. So I pretended like- I am ignorant of anything that is going on. My brother is watching a show. He was prescribed two books. Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff and the other one I forgot the name. My father went to shopping yesterday and bought the books. I took one to read. I have a quiz tomorrow. This year is going to be a long one...

Dear Blog. I don't know how I feel anymore. Toward everything. The only thing I know now is nothing is alright with my brother. He's not him anymore. Yesterday, he unplugged the light bulb in my room, saying there's spy device in them. I forced him to watch a movie with me. He still thinks, someone is targeting him. I just want my brother to be okay again. That's all. My life went to Bermuda Triangle for a while. I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like being home. My mind is a mess. I am trying to keep myself happy. Keep myself from thinking bad stuffs. But trust me. I never imagined myself, or my family, being in this position. I have never imagined, my twin brother will turn into a maniac. Will have to take prescribed drugs and get frightened of being spied on. I have never imagined myself. How long am I gonna be able to take care of him? What if I get busy with my life again and completely ignore him? And he ends up. He ends up...I cannot even imag...

Dear Blog. My brother went to a psychiatrist today. He is now on medicine and after six months he will properly be diagnosed what sort of schizophrenia he has. Doc said, some people lives with it.  I haven't talked to my brother yet. I got home late, in the evening even though my class was early dismissed and I slept until now. I passed the break hour at the library thinking back all those painful things I used to say to my brother. My own twin brother. The brother with whom I passed nine months together in my mother's womb. I couldn't bear a happy face anymore after the first class. Turtle Dove said not to worry, these things will get pass, but I couldn't help myself thinking back all the cruelty. I sat there in the library at the corner, wept and tried to comprehend how my brother felt when he heard someone continuously say he is stupid. He is dork. He is on crack. And that someone's voice he knows. Someone from in his own family...And I couldn't take it. ...

Dear Blog, My brother. He's been acting crazy. He doesn't know he's being crazy. He is having audio hallucination. Never knew it was a thing. He's what they call. Schizophrenic. It is minor now. At least for now he is just hearing things. I don't know may it is just because I am on my period that I am feeling things, intensely. At the house, everyone is so normal and I am finding it hard to accept. I am finding it hard that my brother is acting weird. He is looking for hidden cameras, he is hearing people call him dork, crazy, idiot and all sorts of negative things. Here's the thing. I've been such a bad sister to him,still am. He should have hated me. I called him all those things before, told him he is crazy, told him he needs to change, compared him to other boys in our class, dismissed all his actions, didn't listen to what he has to say. I've been such a bad sister! All this time. He's been giving me hints. And I've dejected him. I ...

Today was something extra-ordinary. I am glad that residential semester happened because it brought me friends, people who make me feel like I belong somewhere, people who give me perspective. I love that this year, we had this amazing hangout, we got to enjoy ourselves, despite some of us are going through personal problems, heartbreaks, financial crisis or any kind of crisis. We were there, the music was louder than our problems, the screaming and shouts, everything felt like this is how it should be. And I realized how much I love Singer Guy. We don't belong but I love him, he doesn't love me but I do. And it doesn't ache me anymore. I accepted that the universe won't let us be, I accepted that he will love any girl but me. Even that he is not the one. But I love him anyway. It isn't a waste. It is just in the moment. Time will save me. But right now, I know. I love him. And he likes me a little bit. As a friend of course. And it is enough. And on the second...

Finally tomorrow is weekend. I need a full night's sleep. SO far finding this semester- boring. It's the friends who make it bearable. Singer guy is being nice and friendly and I like it. He talks even when he looks upset. Looks like he is trying to move on. It's good, no? Only if I could from the obsession from him. My niece is super adorable. She makes baby noises. I absolutely love this tiny human in our house. That stranger on whisper app, I stopped chatting and uninstalled the app. I didn't feel like talking anymore. I lost interest. I am gonna watch Sherlock now. Everybody is freaking over it.

I smoked, well kinda. Not like a whole cigarette. Just one little smoke. And I don't even know if I did it right. Didn't get what the fuzz is all about. Yep. Maybe I didn't do it right.: P I am not gonna turn into a smoker. Of course not. So no worries. It was just a one time thing. And today he talked. So I feel kinda good. I hate how I am so obsessed with him, but I can't help it. I need more time. By the way. This guy in whisper app, turns out he studies in my university but different department and a senior. Didn't share any other personal details. Just chatted. Random flirty things. I am never going to reveal myself. No. If I do, If he does, we might see each other and that would turn into something awkward. He knows some of my secrets. I'll feel vulnerable. So whatever it is not ready yet. Gosh I feel like lot has happened. My sister is struggling with her masters admission money. She got into a fight with her husband. Family feud. I hate the fact...

Okay everything was going pretty well until he came, and I saw him all dark and gloomy and all my happy giggles were gone...I don't know why I can't get out of this cycle. Why I can't just cut him out of life and let him be and let myself be. It's just that, I thought we were becoming friends again, connecting where it was off and now suddenly again, I am seeing him Mood down. I can't see him like this. I wanna know what goes in that mind. Like really... I thought 2017 would be my year. I won't be dominated. I won't be distracted. But this is day one in this semester, I am at the same place I was before. Craving his attention. Craving his smile. Craving just one HI. How are you. My day doesn't go well/finish well without this. I don't know. It has just become a ritual. When he ignores me like this- I feel like shit, I feel like I am no one in his life and it kinda/sorta hurts. Anyway. My first class without Turtle dove. It'd gone pretty well...

So classes start tomorrow. I am psyched.

Apparently, got a rash from an unwashed bra and you certainly didn't have to know that sorry. Dear Blog. You see, my life isn't much eventful. The only event that happened few seconds ago is that I got an itchy boob. However, this evening was spent pleasingly, walking inside the cantonment with my father and going for snacks after. So not completely a waste of a day. I decided to write everyday, but not sure if I can keep up with that. No promises. You see, sometimes, it gets hard to find a topic to talk about. I don't know, today, I kind of wanted to take chance on dating and so I downloaded the tinder app. Now with tinder app, you have to login with facebook. I don't want anybody to find out, so I didn't log in...Just don't have enough courage to go onto that field yet, you know. Maybe I will use a different account or something. I know these apps aren't reliable but what's so harm in trying? I've been trying to move on and the only thing that...

I am up for surprises this semester. I added a course without Turtle Dove and Meanie. I am gonna go to that class alone and with people I don't know of. It is gonna affect the group tasks, the presentation. I didn't read the course outline so I am not sure how it is gonna go. But you know what. I am up for it. It is time I grow some leadership qualities. Get some experience working in new group of people rather than depending on Meanie's skills. I have to find myself, have to make myself change a bit. So yeah. Completely friendless in a class in one core course. Fingers Crossed! #361

Here's an advantage of being a girl. You can always blame on the hormones/period. Nope. Not gonna tell him how I feel. Forgotten. Can't be Love. Pfft. This semester. Gotta get A's. #362

Love-struck. I think, soon I will be able to tell him. Not sure tho. Could be hormones. #363

Started reading The Great Gatsby . Woke up late. Had tea. Watched Scrubs. I am on the season 8 now. #364

2017 starts. No resolution for the year. Let's see what I do. Not gonna use phrases like- new year, new life. Because it is the same old life. Same old me. Spent 31st at my cousin's house. It was worth it and fun. Then woke up at 10 am, let the sweet fresh air brush through my face while coming back home. Wrote a poem for a friend while being stuck in traffic. Just tried starting the day differently. I have this idea, why not write here everyday. Through thick and thin this year and state how I feel end of the day each of- #365 days.