Everly

This week is gonna be brutal on me. One presentation, 2 quizzes, final term paper and home-work !! Then Finals. The thing is this semester went off terribly fast and I have studied comparatively less. My determination was big, but attempt was poor and I wasted most of my time thinking about silly things. Making thought bubbles about things that actually won't matter at the end. I was at Turtle Dove's house today. It was a house warming party. All girls. We had fun. I started to realize. These people now- has become a part of my life and no matter how badly I want to separate myself from them, I can't. I am literally stuck with T.  I can't abandon her. Mainly because, she has always looked out for me, shadowed me, since the first semester. And even if I hate to be with Meanie who is a good friend of T, I can't take separate courses...I can't distance myself from T.Our friendship has come to a point where, we are becoming used to it. And I don't want the ...

I have not cried since. I don't remember. I was doing fine I guess. I wasn't happy but I was fine. I laughed everyday at the class breaks because  Batman is just too funny. And turtle dove was also being nice with me I don't know for what reason, her attention shifted toward me a bit. Maybe because that Sumo hurt her a bit and she needed someone by her side. I was that someone. I kept believing that I wasn't broken, I was fine. Until today. When singer guy kind of  insulted me in front of everyone and all I could do was stare at him shocked and inside of me was cracking. Wrecking my heart. He got mad at me for a silly reason. I am kind of ear sensitive. So what happened was, on the way to the restaurant, Batman shouted something on my ear and I screamed out because I got scared...And it startled everyone. So after we sat for our meal, I was making fun of Batman, I wasn't serious and suddenly singer guy snapped at me out of nowhere. He payed for my meal after, may...

What's sad about Meanie is, he is very lonely. I am lonely myself. But I am close to my family and cousins. I think he has friends, a lot of them but nobody connects with him in an emotional level. And even if they did, it has been for a short amount of time. It is funny how fast a perception of person can change. Before I used to think, he is surrounded. When he talks, he talks highly of himself. Anyone would think him as an arrogant,conceited person. But actually, I think he is very insecure. He needs to cover up for all that. I don't know why turtle dove doesn't see it or maybe pretends to not see it. He has issues. He talks of conversations with his ex friends. Like in detail ....I feel like why do we have to listen to that? Sometimes I feel like all are made up. And he takes pride in his friend's accomplishments which is also weird. Okay I get it you hung out with awesome friends, but now this is your life. And you are stuck with us now. There's no going b...

Went to a family trip yesterday. It felt good going out after what seemed like ages. One significant moment there was when I cought my father crying. We were sitting beside this lake, sipping coffee. Telling my brother and I, one of Tagore's short story- Kabliwala. He said, growing up, he had been fond of it and this story touched his heart.... Trust me, No one can describe a story better than my father. Most people lack it. Emotions. My father is an emotional person. At the end of the story, his voices cracked. And soon I realized, he is smiling to hide the tears in the corner of his eyes. I melted at the sight. How can I ever not listen to this man? How can I ever complain about our house, my limited freedoms to this man? Whose heart is as clear as a crystal. Who never harmed anyone. Even never thought of harming any one. My father who has his own problems, tackles us, works hard to get us a degree so we can have a future. Also tries his hardest to keep his wife happy, takes ...

I want to break stuff I am so mad at myself for losing self respect and acting like a complete stupid person in front him. I don't know what happens to me when he is around. He is intimidating and my brain stops functioning. Why does he have to be so scary?He isn't God. Maybe it's just me. I should actually start befriending him or you know brother zone him for real. He is.... He is like cupcake. Too much sugar, I should stay away. And any guys who find me attractive are vegetables. I should find and try veggies for a while. He has broken up with his girlfriend. I should literally stay away. He isn't his usual self. At all. Like. I rarely see him genuinely smile or talk this and that. He has changed. So quickly. I hate break ups. They're so brutal on men. Men find it hard to move on, especially the men who were loyal the whole relationship. And especially, if the girl is pretty like an angel. I am suffocating. He doesn't even know how much trouble he ca...

Scar. Make it stop. Make it go away. I can't focus on my pathetic life. Stop making me feel like death every night. Oh wait I don't know how it feels to die yet. But I am pretty sure it is silent out there. And dark. Do you have any fucking idea how forgiving I am? I forgive everyone. Every silly or even big and messy  mistakes they make. But when it comes to forgiving myself, I am left with self-loathing and blunt accusations. Scar. I give myself a hard time. I worry myself to bed. I sleep to wake up with the same feeling. It never goes away.  Am I ever going to meet him who would make me feel complete and not like a missing electron? Scar. You don't pay me any rent why am I even letting you settle beneath my skin? Leave me, Scar. Just leave me be.

I don't have any clue what are we. Friends? Or awkward acquaintances? He talked to me today after what felt like eternity. He said, to give him time, he will come back at me. To bully me. I am not sure yet. I still have feelings left, I still am shy around him. I behave like I don't cringe when he calls me sis. I wish he hadn't called me that. It is weird. I am not that close to him. We don't speak much for god's sake. I am not even sure us being "friends" anymore. He's been mute for like a month maybe. I'd been ignoring him...Now today out of nowhere. He speaks to me again. This is weird.

Got all depressed again. Slept for about fifteen hours straight and didn't shower. I currently am deprived of the inspiration to study, to even live in this small space. I wish I could go somewhere to breathe. To exit this reality for a bit. Tired of being a failure to my parents, to me. Just tired.

Trump won. Everybody's pissed off about it. Well not the Americans, who voted him. I care less about America. We have big enough problems in my country, so Trump winning this election doesn't bother me much. Dr. Strange. My plan tomorrow. Not so excited about it tho. These days, I feel like curling up in my couch and watch movies or just study just be alone and stay away from gossips. I don't like the people I hang out with anymore. Nobody is stable. Singer guy is kind of mute these days, cares less about everyone, Meanie is mean to me as usual, Turtle dove is nice, but she bitches about people a lot. and I don't think we are much fun when we're together. I don't think we click you know? She could never be my best friend. She doesn't understand me. I understand her but don't act as much. So. I am shocked at how everything is changing. Right after we came back from Tarc, we were like- "We will take the same courses, stick together as a group....

Apparently I am the only one doing Math class today. Turtle Dove and Meanie ditching the class...T has excuse,she's feverish but for some weird reason, I feel like she's gone home so early because B didn't stay after class. B has a crush on her. I bet she likes the fact that he has a crush on her, she keeps him occupied with texts and hangs out with him often of course not alone, she says she's not crushed on him, looks at him as a brother which he knows a bit. But I feel like she enjoys the fact that she is admired. I mean who wouldn't? If I found out someone was crushing on me, I would be pretty happy about it. Anyway, not my place to judge...So my class gonna start in couple of mins. I have to leave. I am in the lab right now. I like solitary moments when Meanie isn't there to speak lame jokes and laugh by himself, when T isn't there to be just there with me because I am not fun. So what, I am gonna be fashionably late to class. I feel like comput...

Batman(Nick name)  told me to depend on no one and be myself. Apparently everybody has a say in what I should be and should be not. I guess it is my fault. I let people. I inherently make them feel superior to me and make them feel comfortable saying anything to me, not caring a bit about my self esteem. Do I have even a little bit of that in me? I don't think I show it much. I am not mad at Batman or anything. He means no harm. He is very cool. But I just...could not wince at the text I read. I realized...I kept myself hidden. I kept my worth silent. I made everyone feel invincible around me yet I felt like I don't even exist as a person.Since I was a kid. Since my brain started functioning, it only knew one thing- let everyone walk over you. And I did it. I made myself so small in front of everyone.Life isn't an easy one. When you finally think you don't need to prove your worth, someone walks in and challenges your guts... Turtle dove said to me that day- How I ma...