Everly

So I am confused. Do I actually care about people, or it's just that- I don't but it makes me feel bad and does it mean I do? Oh no. I am such an ass sometimes. A real ass. I just don't seem to make other people feel special about themselves like they make me feel. I am not loyal. I am not vocal, and I am not very- good with words and cheesiness and sweetness. I thought I was. But no. No matter how much I want to fake it. I can't. And to be honest? I envy people who have this quality in them. Being likable around everybody. Even around those who doesn't like to talk. Even around those who are mean. I envy those people who can blend in so easily without facing any problems, any ego issues. And everything has to be a competition with me, I just I feel like, I have to compete, with those people by being more likable. Do I sound like a freak? Cause I am. Whenever someone is pampered, successful, adored, I get freaking jealous. And it's officially a thing now. I...

I figured out why my grandmother(father's side) hated me when I was a kid. Yes her spirit told me. ...Kidding. I shouldn't tho...Anyway. I assumed, since, I wasn't much charismatic as a child, I was rather annoying and kind of mute to the elders. I remember I was very shy around my grandparents. I didn't talk to them much. Now that I look at Anisha, she's so much smarter than her age, I sometimes wonder how I used to be when I was her age. And trust me, I wasn't as cheerful and energetic like her. Yes I was sporty, way much than I am now, but I never found myself you know, I remember being sad. Being scold by grandma. Being beaten by daddy sometimes if I didn't study for my tests, being called skinny; yeah I was very...skinny girl. By affection I only remember my parents especially my father, my mother loved me too. They weren't very strict parents. I rather say they spoiled me. I needed more discipline that time. My grandmother, she sort of created ne...

So new crush. TV personality of course. But you'd be amazed...Justin Trudeau, Canadian Prime Minister? I mean can you blame me? Look at how hot he is. He's probably the first prime minister who's got a badass tattoo. His wife is so lucky. This is what happens when I watch too much of BBC. By the way, Ann got accepted in the Brooklyn college. I mean, I am kind of jealous. :3 As well as proud. I miss her tho. And ok. I have started packing my bags for Tarc, I am leaving on may 6th. Ugh. Lots of lots of work. Work, work, work, work, work, work He said me haffi Work, work, work, work, work, work....

It scares me sometimes, how stupidly I am wasting my time. I mean. I am on my semester break I don't blame myself but...Time is really moving fast to the part where, responsibilities will take me over, I'll have to get a job or actually be doing something in life. Now? It's just wasting money and time on me. I wonder, how foolish I've been not to study enough to get into a public uni. Now I understand how easy and straightforward that goal was. Now my whole life, I have to figure out what I have to do in future. I mean now that I look at it- it's kinda scary. Don't roll you eyes at me, ok yeah, it's SO scary. So So damn much. I sometimes lose sleep because of it. Because my parents are getting old, my father had resigned his job when I got in class 10, wait...yeah the fear started right when my father told me he left his job. That moment I was too emotional to even care for money, I was worried about my father, still I am. It is already much pressure tha...

Sleepy. Dizzy. All the time. Nobody has the power to wake me up. Even prince charming is powerless when I am sleeping. Wait. Am I being delusional again. My everyday scenario- I am lying in bed, my face pushed against a pillow and my mother barking at me, I swear, she just not simply shout. She barks . Yes humans do that, just wait until you meet my mom. All I am doing in the semester break is sleeping.That's very likely since I've no boyfriend, not that it matters, or any close friends who likes to hang out and like to go places. Seriously, why haven't I got any hippie friends? At least they could have kept me away from home or make me smoke pots, either way, I'd be doing something other than sleeping like pig in the house. I am glad I am leaving house next month. Residential semester. Gonna live in a dorm which is a first. But for only 3 months. Huh. I wish it were for a whole year or years I don't mind. I am really getting sick of staying home. And in the su...

There is surprisingly a calmness in watching people rush. There is something about the street markets. Repeated verses of - Madame we have this, we have that, just stop by our store. Do they know how much that bother the customers, or I don't know, is it just me. When I am buying something I don't like the seller and his assistants shadowing me. This is one of the reasons I hate shopping. Those idiots keep asking and asking without being any help. I somehow managed today, to buy pretty things tho. There surely is. A space of tranquility in a space of noise and crowd. You might not notice if you're lost in the chaos. But if you for one second stand still where you are, look around, look around to all that busy faces, street people buying and burgling street things, beggars hanging around saying the same dialogue to every man and woman they come across that they haven't eaten all day(I wonder how they rely all their lives on the humanity of others) cat fight among youn...

The moment I woke up today, I felt like I have a second chance on redoing things. My grades aren't hopeless yet. They're fair to be honest. Some douche in our class did get straight A's in his courses but you know what, B plus is not trashy at all. I can improve it by next semester, at least I have room for improvement and growth, what have they got? I was 2 marks away from getting an A on one of my courses and you have know idea how spiteful that feeling is. I am struggling average again. I cannot let myself do average, no. I have to push myself. My goals have to be set high. I let myself slip this semester but from now on, it will be tight. I have to look out. But I don't know why am I feeling shitty, I deserve a little cheer. I didn't do that bad. Yeah. *pats on the back* I am going shopping today. I needed this.

I am no Anime freak. The only anime I watched was Death Note. And without a shame, I am just gonna say I didn't continue it because I lost my interest when Light lost his memory and started to team up with L. And I am not into manga reading either, I read what say- Kaichou Maid Sama and Love So Life yeah that's probably it. I am uncool. I don't keep up with the trends. When everybody was freaking over Sherlock , I was...I don't what I was up to. I only sat to watch it when Ann begged me to watch it and made me realize what I have been missing. I was pretty much late in the game. Still I am. I didn't convincingly watch Game of Thrones yet, I mean I sorta just started it last month, stopped after season 1 episode 5 because I feel it is just not cut out for me. But undoubtedly I am not over Sherlock , It turned out to be my favorite Tv series. And yes I haven't watched BATMAN movies or Marvel movies, or comics, the only comics I love are Tintin, Chacha Chowdh...

So I've completed my semester final. Gosh the heat is unbearable. I am picking up my old sleeping pattern. Just can't leave the bed all day. And stay awake all night.

You wouldn't believe what price I had to pay to finish reading this 800 page novel in one night and half day,I didn't sleep, held on my pee, hadn't showered, I was stinking, still, I had to finish it, I was so into it. Then when I reached to the end of the story, I had a good cry, I read out loud lines that touched my heart like my usual self would do, after like months I felt like my old self again. Reading heartbreaking novels with tears coming down my cheeks automatically. I forgot I had finals, I forgot I had things to do and become. I was just sort of trapped in some bubble that the book and I created. I felt like I existed in that book, everything happened to that character was happening to me. It's been a while I had such a good read. It's Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. I absolutely loved it. I loved how after reading it I feel like I can actually change my life into something pretty amazing. That dream of mine of traveling around the world, I could make it ...

I know everything I should not do at this moment. Like for example- I shouldn't sleep. Because I slept for 15 hours today and I have history exam the day after tomorrow. I shouldn't have watched a movie. I shouldn't blog. Well. I have Ancient Greece to take care of. Oh and the Roman Empire. Also Mughals in India. Oh did I forget about The Arabs. There's a huge syllabus waiting for me at the table. Instead what I do. I am just. I don't know, I am not feeling the exams. I have a weird tendency to give up studying during finals. Can you sorta believe I am feeling sleepy after sleeping like 15 hours or more like a pig? This is vague. I should be studying the whole night. Or at least get serious. Maybe I should spend less time rambling and writing about how serious I should be and spend more time on reading the world civilization history.

I didn't know I had a thing for spoken word poetry. But my friend helped me discover the beauty of it. Finals are in the corner. And I am discovering all my obsessions.

So, how was my 20th birthday? Hectic! But so worth it. I had my room packed with people I care about and that was enough to make me feel special. And I don't know about my brother tho. He said, he felt kind of awkward celebrating our birthday like this. But what the hell. I enjoyed. He doesn't count. Really I felt blessed. I felt like everything fitted in right in the moment. I know, at first I was quite upset about getting old but you know what, in three or four years I will become something. There's no rush. Right now, the only thing that I should be focusing on is getting a decent cgpa and work on myself. And I can hope that life will turn out okay. I wanna be rich of course who doesn't. But more than that I wanna enjoy what I do. If I end up doing nothing, I want myself to read books, a lot of books because there's so much to know about the world. There's no limit with the books that is why. You finish reading a novel, you go to another. I can read a life...

Oh my god. So this is actually happening. I am turning 20 today and from now on I am no longer to be called a teenager. That sucks. I haven't accomplished anything yet. Looking at my life now, I am quite unhappy. Whatever. Age is just a number. I am mentally sixteen, dependent, don't have a job yet, haven't traveled rest of the world yet, haven't been in a relationship and oh my god. I don't know how to drive. how to swim. Never rode an airplane. My life's been so pointless. I haven't even done anything for anyone. Am I still going to be like this next year? Or this is what my life would look like til I die. No. I am sorry I know this is depressing, I shouldn't say these things. I am 20. I am alive. I am thankful. For everything. My family. My old friends. My new friends. Thank you Allah. I realized I don't have anyone who could loathe me you know. Say that "I knew that girl. She's a complete bitch." Everyone thinks I am so nice....