Everly

I know what a genuine care looks like. I also know who seeks benefit of me.

You know, it is true when you be with someone for long enough, you kind of mirror their traits into yourselves without even noticing. You know what I learned from being with her? I learned to speak ill of people. I learned how to put on a fake act and let the others have the benefit of the doubt you like them, but actually you can't stand them. I don't think I will ever get normal with Turtle Dove again. She hurt me. She made me realize I don't deserve to be treated how I am treated by her. She thought ignoring my existence and clinging to batman would actually made me feel sorry for myself, and you know what? I don't have a sorry ass. I am more than relieved the moment I am not with her. She is manipulative and I can't stand her anymore. Nor Batman. I feel like ripping their hearts out and stepping on them; squishing them like they did with my soul. I just don't know why I feel like that. I can't stand the idea of being friends with them anymore you know...

My life is out of balance now. I got bumps in my face. I got a bump right down my buttocks which hurt every time I sit. And I skipped classes so I am not getting full marks on my attendance in any of my courses and my mid terms wasn't good at all. My hairs falling off. And to top it off, I had a fight with T. I don't know, these days, I just can't stand her. She was potentially a good friend of mine, but I don't know what happened to us. Maybe it is because she got too close with batman. And I am just distancing myself from their group. I feel like staying alone. I feel like nothing matters. I just don't see a point hanging out as a third wheel. I just want myself away from drama. And people. And I don't know I am just so depressed that I can't seem to feel inspired going to classes anymore, I better stay home and take long hour naps. And I don't even feel like I need to be loved or something...I just...I don't want anything from life right now. A...

So eid went surprisingly good. I thought my cousins wouldn't show up at our house because all their drivers were on holiday. But my uncle drove them and I had all of my cousins crowded out in my room. My niece came too! And we ate and gossiped and I slept over to another of my cousin's house. So I guess this year's eid wasn't bad at all. It gets better when you don't expect at all... And I still am kind of hung up over him. I know he doesn't think about as much I do about him. But I still wanted to see him. I still wanted to be with him...This semester is so brutal. I get to see him two days in a week and for like barely an hour. Can you believe it? Sometimes I get late for the class or he leaves for home early and I don't even get to see him the whole week. This is...I don't know how I will manage when we'd go our separate ways. I don't know how I will actually physically control myself seeing him start dating. I mean sooner or later, that ha...

This year's eid is no eid at all. I am on my pjs and I just showered and I have no other place to hang out. I had plans with my friends, which I cancelled only because he didn't call me yet to say if he could pick me up. That's...I know how pathetic it sounds. But No I am serious. I don't wanna go there if I don't matter at all. It is better I stay home like this and wail. My brother hasn't dressed up either. There is no eid at my house. Nothing is the same like last year. I don't know why I feel like this is how it supposed to be. There is no point in celebration. There is nothing to celebrate.

I am way over my head here...How did I fall back again? UGH. I should have some self-control, I am serious. This ain't going anywhere. But that smile oh gosh. I missed him. He shouldn't have this pretty smile. I wish his teeth were yellow, and had the worst smile in this planet. But no. He has to have a smile that melts my heart every time I see it. I hate myself right now. I totally do. It is not like I am in control of myself. You can't control these things, can you? Oh Allah. Please save me from this. Please don't make me fall right back in. It was so hard. I can't go through this again. No.