Everly

Dear B,  2024 is almost to an end and I can't believe how much shit I have endured this year. From quitting a job to moving to a new country, leaving loved ones back home, living with husband, starting a life together to the hardcore reality of unemployment, unplanned pregnancy, the excruciating pain of abortion, feeling the loneliest girl on earth, I endured it all. There is no pain without gain and I believe there will be a day I will look back and be grateful for all the sufferings. For now, I am still questioning, why do I have to go through this.  I guess I had underestimated how hard it is it start over in a different country. The cultural gap, the communication, and even seeking for relevancy in day to day conversations with people; everything is different. Being a shy girl also doesn't help to mingle with people. Honestly, that has been the biggest obstacle in getting a job here. In Bangladesh, I used to just submit my resume and hope for an interview call. Here, your ...

I have been doing quite well. Both mentally and physically. I feel like myself again. Last night, I put on some great music and danced in my room. Of course, my husband was at work and he wasn't here to see me stupidly dancing.  I used to do that before as a child/teenager. I remember, everyday when I felt gloomy, I would put my favourite music on my ipod and dance like nobody watching. I am glad, I feel like that child again. I am glad I have got through a very lonely and dark time and am present with myself again.  My relationship with my husband has also significantly improved. I feel closer with him than ever. He has also shown some acts of service and taking care of me. The emotional disconnection I felt before has faded away. I feel like the luckiest woman alive when I am with him.  I still don't have a job though. However, I am trying. A little bit everyday to improve myself. I guess I will find a job once I figure out what I want and where my passion lies. Seeking...

 Dear B,  This past month has been the heaviest. I went through a lot by myself. I still am recovering from the pain and trauma.  I got to know I was pregnant. This was completely unplanned. We talked and decided not to keep it. However, I couldn't have the heart to abort it by myself. As mentioned before, my husband was away for training. I was completely alone and was miserable as hell. Everyday I would feel sick. I would cry to the point where I couldn't see any light outside of the tunnel. I was at the lowest point of my life. The saddest part was, he was in such extensive training, we couldn't even talk or text as much. I felt like he was emotionally disconnected from me. I could feel he wanted to help but because of the job he has and the demands, he could not do as much. I knew eventually I had to do it alone.  I was almost 8 weeks when I decided to proceed with abortion. Honestly, I knew that something was not right and I don't have the courage at the time. I...

Dear B, I haven't written to you a long time. My husband went for training to a different city for a month. Never have I ever felt so alone in my life. I have been all by myself this past week and honestly this has been an experience. Especially the nights are tough as I don't like sleeping alone. Good thing is, my sister is going to visit here and stay for a bit. I realized that I haven't processed my feelings all this time when I moved to this country. Being alone has left me with all my feelings and it has been one hell of a week. I am tearing up often thinking about my family back home and having no friends here. Every morning I find it hard to just get up from bed and go about my day. I guess I am depressed. Time is moving slow. The weather is getting cold and gloomy. Everything in a nutshell is terrorizing me. I miss my husband a lot but I understand that this is part of life. We have done long distance before so this should not be that hard. I guess the difference is...

Instead of saying tasks cause that makes me don't wanna do them; I'll say Try me everyday- Effective from tomorrow  - Drink some lemon water with honey first thing in the morning - Stretch for 5 min   - Study. Daily finish a lesson of an online course  - Learn something about Canada. Every day and document what you learned  - Workout/take a walk or run/ or just do plain yoga even if it is for 10 minutes  - Get some sunlight - Read a chapter of a book - Do a form of self care. Like saying positive affirmations  - Watch the news, get some idea on current affairs  - Take a break from your phone, keep it somewhere for an hour at least and don't look at it - Dance for 5 min to a song (optional)  - Watch a movie of your choice  - Document your progress  Let's try. 

Dear B, Hope this is finding you in great spirits. As for me, I have been so so good and grateful these days.  My husband went camping for 3 days with his boys. I had to be all by myself. He was out in the wilderness. We did not have any phone calls or any form of communication these 3 days. That made me hit an epiphany. I realized he has become an intrinsic part of my life and how much I love him. I felt his absence every moment and missed him so much it was almost embarrassing as I never thought I was this much needy. I haven't stopped snuggling with him since he has got back. I guess, distance does make the heart go fonder. Also, living together everyday, making memories, loving, and caring for each other have made our relationship even stronger. I am grateful for this amazing relationship we are nurturing. However, I know nothing is permanent on this earth. It scares me to death how much attached I am with this person. Maybe because I currently don't have a full time job th...

 Dear B, A lot has happened this past few weeks back in my home country. Students protest for quota reformation, which later turned into a bloodbath because the political party in power enforced unlawful hostility towards protestors. A lot of them were killed (I do not know the exact statistics). It was anarchy. PM said something really degrading to the students that made them even more furious. They have made the things worse when they shut down the internet nationwide. What baffled everyone were the justifications that they tried to give. They were saying how the internet just shut down automatically and yad·da yad·da yad·da. Nobody took accountability. I have never seen this much people unite and march for justice. Their lives were at stake and they knew they could die or get arrested. Still, they fought for justice. It was almost like a civil war. Everyone were chanting for the PM to resign. And it happened! She has resigned and actually ran to India. Army has taken over our co...

Everything gets easier with time. At least, you get a bit used to with everything with time. That is what I realized.  It has been 2 months, I have stepped foot in this foreign land. In the beginning, I had found myself getting on wrong bus, feeling incapable, not knowing out self checkouts work, feeling misfit among every one, and failing at cooking, having occasional meltdowns and missing home...Now, I feel like everything is sort of settling down. I cook well now. At least, my foods get eaten. I am comfortable with using public transports too. My new favourite hobby is paddling. I don't feel so incapable of living here anymore. I do miss home but I know change is good for growth. I also now enjoy the cashless system here.  I guess, you gotta give yourself some time. Some kindness too. It is okay. You're learning. 

 Dear B, I have moved to Canada. It has almost been a month.  I get homesick sometimes.  It is still hard to believe this is my new home now. I feel like everyone here is very fast paced. This is how it is now.  I am currently looking for jobs.  I hope I find one, which would help me to get accustomed to this new place.   

My anxiety has taken havoc on my sleep and  we both know what that does to my mood  and everything basically. I feel like I am  taken back to pandemic days where  I literally had no motivation to do  anything whatsoever. I felt terrible  on those days honestly.  However, I am trying to take  control back of my life.  Today, I will try to fix my sleep,  do bit of yoga, and go out for shopping.  You know how much I love shopping.  This time, it would  be more so out of   necessity cause I got to buy a few things  before I move.  Something weird happened  recently.  I was going through a lane, I was on a  rickshaw, suddenly I felt somebody just  beat me on my leg, almost felt like it.  It was  a sudden snap and  I was shocked.  I couldn't make out who did it because  my ride was ongoing and also I was zoned out  in my own thoughts. However, when I felt it, ...

So resigned my job. I needed one month to at least organize everything.  I feel so lazy though. I haven't even started packing my suitcase.  It kind of feels surreal. This uncertainty of what my life would be like  in a new place is sort of eating me. I have been so anxious lately.  I know it is normal. Mostly, financially I have been worrying a lot.  My husband has a job but since I was also working here, I didn't need allowance from him. He did send me from time to time but I sort of felt  uncomfortable asking from him. He also doesn't want me to be dependent  on him. It sort of caused this friction in us couple of times where I would  expect he would be a provider. I can't blame him for it because since day 1 he has been clear on the fact that I have to be working, share expense, and we  would have a joint account where we would save up for the future.  I have some fears about not finding work abroad. There is cultural differences...

 I am moving to new country soon.  I have a lot of mixed feelings going on right now about leaving my parents, my brother, my friends, everyone back here. I don't know if I will make enough for airfares but I do want to come back and be in touch with them. I am bit nervous and also excited starting this new chapter of my life... I realized I have gotten almost everything once I dreamed of. I did fall in love, I did marry the love of my life, and now I am leaving this country soon to be with him and grow old with him.  My life has been traumatically beautiful. I say traumatically because once upon a time, I believed that I would never be happy or that I am unlovable, or that I won't have friends... I have a life now surrounded by people I care about and I am loved and cherished.  My only worry right now is my brother.  He has been in and out of jobs and struggling with adulthood. I just hope he finds clarity and peace and be self sufficient.  In this world i...

 Some thoughts. Our old generation glorified selfless acts to the point that they started calling putting themselves first as: 'selfish.'  To a certain period of time, I have also followed this pattern.  I thought taking care of me is selfish.  Where taking care of me is fundamental.  You cannot pour out of a cup, which is empty.  So pour yourself first.   I have to unlearn so many of these toxic patterns because these have made my life only miserable and problematic. I am learning that evolving is crucial for living with inner peace.  These days, I value so much about inner peace.  I'll choose it over others anytime, and it is not selfish. It is in fact for greater good.