Everly

 Dear B, I am giving love a second chance and this time we are planning a future together.  I know I was adamant about not getting back together but something in my heart said, we are not finished  yet. I could not stop thinking about the 'what if' part.  I know probably because of the societal pressure I may have been thinking about marriage a lot these days. It is  also the fear of being alone. This world is scary already. I want somebody to rely on. We have that confidence in each other. I am not sure if I can get that comfort in other men. He has been very warm to me since the day we met except our breakup episode.  Right now, I have a lot of things to think about.  A. Are we financially capable to pull off a marriage? - Still questionable.  B. Will our families accept us? - I am more worried about my family.  C. Are we ready to face the future struggles and help each other in need? - Will have to see.  D. Will we be able to blend in...

 dear b, my old love reached out to me. he was remorseful. he told me everything i wanted to hear maybe a month back. the things that i once cried to hear. you know, a part of me wished he said all those things sooner. i would've gone back to him. i would've stopped thinking logically and give myself in.  i bid him goodbye. he shared his stance. i shared the pain i conquered.  i am glad my love did not go in vain. it got recognized and had a sweet ending.  my chapter in his life is complete and so is his in mine. 

Dear B, I broke up with him on October 7. It's been almost a month. I did try reaching out to him the day after. I was mourning the loss of a person I thought I would build a future with someday and it hit me hard when I started dealing with the aftermath. You know the most surprising thing was? He did not even resist a bit when I said it's over. He did not even say, let's try one more time. It was as if he wanted this all along but could not say it to me. I broke up because he started being distant. We were already doing long distance and his effort seemed very vague. Almost like a nothing. I still ignored it in the hopes of seeing him again and feeling something. It is kind of bizarre to acknowledge him as my ex now. Even a month ago, we said our I love yous.  His flight is tomorrow. I have waited 6 months. I have anticipated his arrival all this time. I have planned dates, outfits, his birthday gift. Now, he is gonna be here but we won't meet. He is gonna be here and...

Friends become strangers. It is only just a matter of time.  I know solitude is not the answer to surviving in this cruel world but I am choosing it because it is better to be alone than be with toxic people.  My friendships have become sort of superficial now. I realized there are cracks in my relationships with those people. I just needed time and situations to be exposed to that. It is okay. I still wish them my best. I just think we have outgrown each other.  Sometimes I wish I had less empathy and be more practical. If I were, I would not have to foresee this. Do I think I am too old to make new friends now? Of course not. The possibilities are endless. I am just still mourning my old friendships. Life has been hard. I just hit an epiphany that the people I held close to my heart do not have the slightest interest in their heart for me. I was just their background noise.  I got caught up in other people's love affair and it has been ugly. I could not play along ...

B, Life was great until I realized there are people in my life I hold important. I actually have a hard time keeping people in my life...When I face any conflicts, I autopilot to "So this it. He/she is done with me." This is my anxiety. Those turbulent times, all I need from that person is a warm embrace. Affection. Understanding that I am flawed and I want a moment of truce. My peace loving attitude has avoided so many confrontations. It put me in situations I felt uncomfortable in. It made me a victim to manipulators. It has shut me up.  You know, B. I always thought the relationships I have with people can easily be broken. I always leave one foot at the door so I can take the nearest exit when things are not in my control or too much to handle...If it was 5-6 years ago, the old me would've left, shut down, start afresh, wouldn't care as much leaving people. This me, however, I can't leave. I can't cut off. I have friends now that I didn't think I cared...

 Dear B, Life has been blunt and I am not exaggerating it even a bit.  I have found love but then there is this reality that is testing it. When I think about the future it makes me feel like I am only dating for just a heart break. I love him but then there is a part of me who is scared to see a life together, there is a part of me who is seeking approval of parents, family, and friends. I mean, I know I should not give a shit about what other people think. It ultimately boils down to me being happy with him. However, I am perplexed. I am grateful that I got to find him and fall in love with him as he has treated me with affection, attention, and time despite having limitation, i.e. the distance. He is actually someone who did not hesitate to show me his vulnerable side. I love him, I do. I just couldn't get past the financial issue. I am unsure if we have control over our finances or that we have a plan that is viable in future to even create a future or get married. This is...

 I had a couple of depressive episodes last month. I guess I am still recovering from it. I sort of crashed.  Last month, I made myself stay at home instead of going out. Just trying to save some money and also I did not feel like socializing. I kept telling myself, this is not permanent. How I was feeling would eventually evaporate.  I feel better today and for the last few days. I kind of feel myself again. I guess I am trying to make myself do things now and focusing on getting proper sleep.

Dear B, My Nanu passed away last week. My relationship with her was not that solid. However, I do acknowledge that she was a wonderful woman. She was a prime example of a strong, independent woman back in her days. I admire her personality. She had been driven, passionate, and full of energy, motivation, compassion and such a people person. She was by far the best decision maker in the family. She demonstrated good leadership. My grandma worked as a headmistress for years. This could be one of the reasons why I always felt incompetent around her. I always felt like I had what it seemed like a formal relationship with her rather than the 'goofy' kind. You know, I was not the best at keeping contact with her. Also, was not the best in expressing affection. However, she holds a special place in my heart. I do remember her with utmost respect and admiration. I could not say these words to her while she was alive. I don't know how she is doing now or even knows how much I actual...

Dear B, A lot has happened in the month of April. I turned 26. I fell in love. The rest is history. We found each other on an online dating app. I wish I could get into more details. The thing is, I can't describe the feeling.  It's the most beautiful feeling. Feeling wanted, feeling loved. Yes I am talking about Love. He is so affectionate, so kind, so attentive and humane with flaws and such. I get butterflies each time we see each other. Also, I had a bunch of firsts with him, so he is special to me. This is a journey though and I am still learning to be with a human being and foresee a life together. That's the update!

 Hey B Something beautiful just happened. Well, I wouldn't want to get your hopes up. It is probably nothing. Just kind of an epiphany of mine. I realized that I don't have to chase love anymore. I can just focus on myself and my life and it will come to me. I don't have to play mind games. I don't have to sit here wondering where is it.  It's such a bullshit that everyone's love is measured in the same parameter. I always have kind of overlooked the stability of things. I always thought love has to be loud, it has to be grand gestures, it has to be expressed and it's not love if it is not shown. Such bullshit you see. People are different and the way they show love or understand love is different. I just want you to know that, I am going give this 'stable love' a chance. Maybe, maybe this was written in the stars for me and I sought everywhere for it.

 Dear B, You know what's ironic? When half the population of the world is celebrating valentines day and I am stuck home pondering over the egg that I just ate, which looked odd. Kind of like fake. Did I just eat a fake egg cooked in some labs? Okay, let's not go there. The point is. I think I am not doing the life thing right. If only there was an instruction manual, telling me what to do to reach to a point of successful completion, I would have followed it and cling to it like a lost puppy in despair. Here I am glued to my bed, with a sinus infection or possibly covid, and I see this awfully awfully romantic couples doing PDA on social media and or pictures of inseparable friendships. I mean I am not stupid, I know what they show on social media is an illusion of perfection. But there has to be at least some truths to it. It may have been a highlight reel but their day was sure eventful compared to mine. I had to re-evaluate my life. What the hell am I doing. I spent the las...

 Dear B, You know there was this saying that "you keep repeating the same mistake until you learn your lesson." I guess in my case, I just make the advanced version of the mistake and get hurt in a whole different level. B, I am not trying to play dumb. I see the red flags but my mind don't want to acknowledge it like a full blown adult brain. It just wants to act like a dumb teenage girl. It just wants butterflies in the stomach and just wants to be loved and would accept anything to be loved. My definition of love is so toxic and destructive. I can never be happy if I don't change the definition. I can't never let anybody make me feel at home if I keep it like that. I have to make an internal shift. I know, improving physical health is important. I know nutrition, exercise, sunlight can heal. However, unless I detox my mind and be connected with my true self, I can never actually make any changes. It won't make a lasting effect in my life. I need to be confi...

I realized, I don't make the best use of the resources that are available to me. It is mainly due to the fact that I am just simply lazy and unmotivated. I am too comfortable in my position. I gave up learning. I gave up the zest of learning. There are lot of areas in my life that needs improvement.  1. Communication 2. Relationships 3. Career 4. Thought process 5. Attention 6. Organization 7. Health 8. Vocabulary 9. Sleep 10. Overall Lifestyle 11. Dating 12. Personal financing 13. Confidence 14. Energy I am not going to be perfect but that shouldn't stop me from attempting to be the best with all that I have in my power. Nobody should stop learning. Nobody should stop learning because they are too comfortable in life. Growth is very important. Being resistant to change won't keep me moving. It will only bring the same kind of grief. Today, I will try to take the first step to make the use of the time I have. I am simply privileged now with the health and age but I should n...

I want to practice mindfulness in 2022.  I am not sure why I can't seem to accept myself. There are a lot of internal conflicts that I need to sort out. 2021 has been difficult in a sense that I started to unlearn toxic things that were embedded in me by my DNA. I started to become aware of the things my parents did in the name of care. It is not easy to unlearn a generation of traits. It is certainly not easy to break those habits that were formed by years and years of practice and ignorance. I still am optimistic because I had a growth curve in 2021. I do want to change the things that I am aware are bad, I want to let go of the attachments that hold no good for me anymore, and I want to forgive people and send them nothing but prayers.  The most difficult thing I learned, realized, had epiphany of, was the relationship I have with my mother. It took me finally 25 years to admit, the relationship I have with my mother is completely problematic. I started talking about it wit...