Skip to main content

 


I never felt how love feel. I never felt being loved. All I felt is a shit load of anxiety and the pain of abandonment. I named them love because I thought this is what I deserve. I thought “okay nobody is going to care this much. I am supposed to be grateful that I am  being noticed”

Love should not give you this feeling. Love should make you feel safe. Love should make time for you. Love won’t always understand you but will make an effort to be there for you. Love should be the one you trust when the world feels too heavy. Love shouldn’t make you feel you are optional. Love should make you feel you are most important part of their life just like you count love most important part of your life. Love should feel warm. Love should feel happy. Love should feel like the feeling you feel wrapped up in a a comfy blanket during a cold night. Love’s voice should assure you, you’re not alone in this. 


No I was never in love. I never had experienced such divine feeling.  What do you think those romantic films are based on? Not just fantasies. It can’t be all fantasies. I am not saying you are supposed to take all that too seriously, because we are humans and humans can’t be scripted. I also know that love should not be something you chase and put all your focus on. It should be free flowing while you live and spend your life doing other things. We yearn for love but we shouldn’t get delusional with the instant connections we make without depth. We shouldn’t settle for those get aways that only bring us pain and leave us hopeless and drained out of energy. 


Love doesn’t feel draining. It only enriches us. It is not a compromise, it is something you happily give out. It is something that makes everything fulfilling and meaningful. It makes you feel your existence is beautiful. It makes you smile even when your body feels almost paralized with grief. 


Love will talk through everything. Love will always be honest and authentic. Love will always confront you and seek your best interest. Love will give you hugs on demand and also when you thought you are okay without hugs. Love won’t care about his ego. Love won’t care about the law. Love will always be present. Love won’t make you feel like you are in a roller coaster of emotions. Love will make you feel you are in a tranquil state amidst the chaos. 


Love will make you feel wanted. Love will apologise and not make accusations. Love will fight against the problems and not against you. Love will make themselves better for you and also encourage you to be the better version of yourself. See, love won’t judge you for your past traumas. Love will try to make you feel at home, so you can move forward with your beautiful present. Love will challenge you to grow. Love will simply motivate you to get out of bed and live. 


Love won’t play mind games. Love won’t keep scores. Love won’t make you feel you are too sensitive and something is wrong with you. Love will not gaslight you. Love will not make you crave for attention. Love won’t hurt you, not intentionally. Love will never intend to hurt you. Love will care about the things you care about. Love will be grateful to have found you. Love will respect your boundaries. Love will soothe your pain. 


This is all to conclude I’ve never been in love or been loved. All the I love yous didn’t mean anything. The people I thought I was in love with were bloopers.


The first I love you I received was a blooper.


None of them were love.

None.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more

v day

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more