Everly

Dear B, Things are so hectic right now. Today is my weekend. So I feel like human.. .on weekdays it is so intense.  I just wanted to update you that, my life is exhausting- maybe in a purposeful way. I am no longer adhering to the belief that- adulting has to be done right. It is messy and stupidly tiring. And it is okay. Celebrate your little successes. Have an ambition and work hard toward your goals. Life does not have to perfect to be wonderful . 

 I am about to start my corporate journey. I am so thrilled, yet nervous and I can't sleep. I am also scared that, I would start becoming dreamless and dead like.  I don't want to stop having time for myself. Even if my job starts. I want to enjoy life. And be able to breathe.

 the best decision that I took last year was unfollowing him. The way that he treated me was so wrong, now I know. Though I wouldn't say, I was all good. I definitely said and did some things that were toxic too. But now that I am with someone, I understand, how much communication is important. How much, sharing your current thoughts, anxiety, feelings and also concerns with that person is important. We often want to come across as the 'peace lover' and ignore messy/difficult conversations just so we could avoid drama. In all honesty, those difficult conversations are what make things functional. Making assumptions about the person in your head instead of confronting him is the silliest mistake, now I know. No matter how silly you sound, confront him about how you're feeling. If he seems understanding and kind toward you, validate what you're feeling, that's great! It's a positive sign. If he humiliates you for how you're feeling or treats your anxiety a...

When I look back in my life, I realize that I/my parents have made my life way too comfortable. And there is not much growth with being comfortable. Yes it can give you a sense of security. But you would not have this thirst inside of you to create the best version of yourself. You would be too clingy to your warm bed, your afternoon tea, your father's shoulder to cry on for every little inconveniences that happen in your life. You wouldn't be a fighter. Because you know, life is too kind to you. You automatically break apart when things don't work the way you plan it to work. You melt and lose hope and give up even before failing hard. You are like a scared kitten.  It is okay, if you come from this. You can't choose your origin. But you can choose your struggles. You can, despite knowing you have a very peaceful setting waiting for you, choose the setting that makes you feel unsettling. Once you are aware that life- needs not to be this comfortable, instead it needs t...

The more I am putting myself out there the more I am getting scared of getting hurt. Guess I can't be too careful. But there's a pattern of men I went out with. And no matter how much I do not want to overthink, I do end up analyzing their behavior and become anxious of myself.  I feel vulnerable when I get close with someone or share my feelings. Once my thoughts and insecurities are out there...I feel stupid and powerless to that someone. Suddenly, they become my priority and I choose to let them hurt me and say it's okay. Have your way with me. I don't let them feel  a thing. It's like I become this comfortable couch they can sit on, spill drinks, do whatever they please. It almost feels like I don't have ground under my feet.  Thanks to all the self help knowledge I gained through books, I know now, it is not okay to let people treat you less. It is not okay to let them turn your kindness into their advantage. You are not a toy for them to feel entertained. ...

HEY I have so much to update you on. 1. My friend's wedding had been a blast. She looked so pretty. And we danced like bunch of crazies on the DJ party 2.  My parents got the first dose of Covid-vaccination 3. I randomly applied for a job and got selected for training. After 3 months of its completion, I will be permanent. It is a multinational company and smart technology based, its corporate office is at silicon valley. I never imagined actually I would get this cool job. Anyway, my joining is soon. The pay is okay. Totally performance based job so I have to work hard for promotions and all. ANYWAY, I am so happy. 4.Went on a date yesterday. I had been talking with this guy on phone for two weeks almost. And we hit it off. Well, we made out. HAHA. What an ice-break! I never actually predicted kissing on a first date but it happened.  I am okay. It felt good and I want to keep it at that. I am not overthinking what will happen of us. I just want to enjoy as it is. Life is not...