It is weird how scared I am of love. I want love but when it is there I just don't feel deserving of it.
Somebody just told me the three magical words on the second night of our conversation. I was stunned. And I couldn't appreciate it.
Firstly, it was uncalled for. We were two almost strangers on phone. He should have waited at least after the 'illusionary' stage to pass, where everything about the person seems perfect, but it is surely not. You get to know someone by being with them practically. Just two nights of late night conversations, with hormones in our blood, with loneliness fogging the very idea of love, you can't just say I love you and mean it. You just can't. It can work on movies, but this is real life. And we are two complex human beings with issues, childhood traumas, abandonment problems, insecurities, loneliness and we can't let this three words decide our fate, at least I can't. I need time to get close with someone. I need this walls to break, slowly and gradually.
Secondly, I felt like I was talking with him because I was lonely. I had this pain inside of me, I didn't know how to heal it. I had this person in my head I didn't know how to forget. I needed to hear sweet words. I know this is an injustice to that person because I was not looking at him as someone with potentials to fall in love with, I was looking at him as a distraction from the situation I was in. He promised me everything a girl would've wanted. He helped me envision a future, a beautiful something at that. He promised me commitment, marriage, kids, euro trip. For a moment I was beaming with happiness but it was a fleeting moment. I got very much scared after that. I was scared he was getting obsessed. I was scared that I would hurt him because I can't see what he sees in me.
And just like that, within a week, I started to tell him my insecurities, my fears and my commitment phobia and I started to drive him away and he surprisingly heard everything with attention and patience and calmed me down. I told him how much I don't wanna hurt him and he said "Are you an ice-cream seller? You don't have to make everyone happy." Basically, he just accepted the fact that I might leave him someday, and his love may get wasted and still he wants to be with me now. He wants to stay. Knowing, I don't and won't love him like the way he would. Knowing, I am flaky and can detach myself anytime. This sure makes me feel like a selfish person. But it is better letting him know and not leading him on with false hopes. I don't want to stay with him just out of guilt. I promised him a friendship and I would try my utmost to fulfill it. But I can't give him more than that. I don't feel it yet. I don't know if I ever will.
He is a good guy and I think is a godsent. He calms me down when he talks. We are different but it weirdly works. I feel cringe but at the same time good talking with him. It won't make sense to others. Honestly, everybody would tell me, why are you with him. He is just not my type yet we are kind of entertain each other's thoughts and beliefs. I won't be bored, or stay bored with him. That I can say.
He has a bad accent, he looks okay-ish, he doesn't understand sex-talk or terms like foreplay, he is kind of uncomfortable with people being sexual (I still am trying to understand why), he is a bit conservative, he has an old mindset, he is not a feminist, he has a stupid laugh, he criticizes too harshly. Sometimes I feel suffocated because he has attachment problem.
He takes care of himself well, he's got a nice body, he has emotions, he knows how to express himself, he is good with giving attention, he is also good with taking care of me, he is very very dedicated, he is a hard worker, he is passionate about his job and he is visionary, he is a man with a plan..
I know he sure has a mental list of pros and cons of me too. He said this morning, I have a big forehead and thin hair, and also how much he loves my smile. Well, his ones are not secret anymore. I know every person is imperfect. This is how it is supposed to be. Just because you're imperfect doesn't mean you're unworthy of love. We are going to have fine lines. We are going to have bad hair days. We are going to smell bad in the morning. We fart, we shit. Everything about us is organic. And love is not all that sugar coated lies you see on movies with perfect dialogues and situations. Love is not perfect, it is a bumpy road, it is not going to make sense sometimes, it will make you feel completely insane, yet you would want it. You would want it to change you. Turn you upside down, knock your whole world and give you pain, you never thought you could overcome.
Love is magnificent and crazy and all sorts of a beautiful mess.
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