Everly

 I decided to take a break from men. It is getting too much overwhelming.  I felt suffocated with the person I was talking to. So I just ended it, And realized how I took being single for granted. How actually fun it is to stay alone. With no responsibilities of each other's emotions. Am I a sociopath? I don't know... But I am gonna take a break and put time and energy on myself and myself only. I am not ready for love. I have to fully love myself first. 

 It is weird how scared I am of love. I want love but when it is there I just don't feel deserving of it. Somebody just told me the three magical words on the second night of our conversation. I was stunned. And I couldn't appreciate it.  Firstly, it was uncalled for. We were two almost strangers on phone. He should have waited at least after the 'illusionary' stage to pass, where everything about the person seems perfect, but it is surely not. You get to know someone by being with them practically. Just two nights of late night conversations, with hormones in our blood, with loneliness fogging the very idea of love, you can't just say I love you and mean it. You just can't. It can work on movies, but this is real life. And we are two complex human beings with issues, childhood traumas, abandonment problems, insecurities, loneliness and we can't let this three words decide our fate, at least I can't. I need time to get close with someone. I need this wal...

 If I learned anything from the pandemic, it is that, everything has its consequences, no matter how insignificant or small, your actions will give you a result. The butterfly effect. Everything is connected.  Oh god it hurt. Right in my heart. I was up at 3 am, stalking. I found out about the new girl he was seeing. I found out they made a trip last month. I wailed like somebody I love died. Dear B, you have no idea, what went through inside my head. I was telling Allah, take this pain away, please. I am not capable of handling this right now. Take this pain away once and for all. I don't love him, it is just an infatuation, I can't escape. The universe somehow listened. I got a notification, from the guy I am recently talking with. We are from different countries, but our culture is not completely out of context. He is a South Asian too.  We chatted the whole night, and he showered me with love and affection  and the end of it, I was feeling okay. I was in the midd...

 they overlook the fact that words have consequences. it can destroy one's peace of mind. it can destroy one's confidence. sense of security. dear future parents, before you even have kids, get rid of your personal battles. your mistreating. your failures. your kids are not supposed to fulfil your void dreams, or protect your social status. you are on your own on that if you really wanna do it. your kids cannot be the vehicle to please people you think you care about. so stop with the blaming and criticizing. stop with it already. love them without conditions. literally hug them as long as you live. cause they too know they're not gonna get to be with you for long. and believe me, they're scared of the world out there/ they're so scared/ they look up to you. be affectionate. be kind be there for them.  please. before it's too late.

 I had my first plane ride today. It felt really good, I think I cried a little bit, I mean happy tears. Back from the trip, I feel good and energized.  I was sad for a period of time but now I think I can handle this... The sea treated me good. I have to be with myself for a while, figure out what I want and work toward it. I want a decent paid job, a boyfriend, social life, healthy lifestyle and of course, I want this pandemic be over for good.  2020 has been my firsts. So manty firsts. I can't even explain how emotional and soul sucking this year was for me.