Skip to main content

 Just when I thought I was completely fine, moving on, having no intense memory of him left in me, just when he called again, my wound opened up, and I cried to him, and started missing him again.

However this time it is different. I told him, how being connected with him on social media has a negative effect on me and I have to unfollow him from everywhere and I didn't want to be mean so I asked him first. He didn't mind. So I am finally, detached from his social media. Not constantly checking his stories or post or his views on mine. And it is a wise step.

He told me he was sort of seeing someone. I couldn't control my tears. I don't know why. I was so perfectly well before. I didn't care as much. Until he checked up on me, every hard work on moving on from him, disappeared in the dust. My hard work on keeping my emotions at bay. My hard work on finally moving past the pain... 

We wished each other well. He said some sweet stuff. However, I cannot be his rehab. I cannot be his second choice, I cannot be the person he uses to distract himself from a girl he couldn't convince to be with....This time, I am not going to be his safe haven. So this time, I took this drastic step to completely cut him off.

Next morning I couldn't go to office. I cried like shit. I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did is cry in the washroom. I cried while eating lunch. I cried in the shower. I listened to sad songs consecutively in my headphones and walked in the roof and cried, feeling deeply those sad lyrics in my heart. I cried sitting on the floor of my room. I cried while chatting with other men on the dating app. I cried cried cried. I reached out to my sister and told her how exactly 6 months ago, I felt like this. It's been so long but why does it hurt the same? Why didn't it fade away, yet? She said, you will find somebody and he won't matter anymore. 

Today I picked myself up from bed, and I told myself I won't feel like yesterday. I cried enough and my system will refresh each day, and each day I will be better and stronger and won't need him. I will be okay. Maybe it won't be a smooth ride but I will eventually reach a sense of tranquility each time I hit a storm of pain.

I am open to receiving love but I am so hurt I may be scared to love someone again.

So is this the ultimate closure? Are we finally done?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more

v day

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more