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Showing posts from October, 2020
Dear B, October is my month of impulsive decisions. I never thought I would see myself in this position, where I constantly make poor life choices, not caring about my mental health, not caring about the growth I successfully endured and then totally spoiled it on the wrong people. It is surprising enough, that at this point of my life and age, I am gradually letting things slide, not giving a fuck and being frustrated but doing nothing about it... On top of that, in this time of crisis and pandemic, I am going on a trip with my family to the beach. It is another impulsive decision, however, this time not made by me, but I could've vetoed that, I didn't. I am honestly done. With crying over situations that I didn't take responsibility of.  It is safe to say, I didn't however, make any mistake that is going to cause me irrevocable damage. I just made mistakes that anyone at my age, is prone to make. And I allowed to grow like that. It is okay. For me being impulsive is a...

Catie Turner - 21st Century Machine (Lyrics)

 Just when I thought I was completely fine, moving on, having no intense memory of him left in me, just when he called again, my wound opened up, and I cried to him, and started missing him again. However this time it is different. I told him, how being connected with him on social media has a negative effect on me and I have to unfollow him from everywhere and I didn't want to be mean so I asked him first. He didn't mind. So I am finally, detached from his social media. Not constantly checking his stories or post or his views on mine. And it is a wise step. He told me he was sort of seeing someone. I couldn't control my tears. I don't know why. I was so perfectly well before. I didn't care as much. Until he checked up on me, every hard work on moving on from him, disappeared in the dust. My hard work on keeping my emotions at bay. My hard work on finally moving past the pain...  We wished each other well. He said some sweet stuff. However, I cannot be his rehab. I ...
After what feels like forever, I have a new crush. He is from work. We talk about the most random things possible, but I like his gaze upon me. Butterflies are back. It feels all so familiar but newly familiar. I missed this feeling. Finally, I am moving on and finding other men attractive! Oh god, after the fling I had, I almost went numb. I always fancied an office romance but never in reality though. This new guy is cute and I may be attracted to him and nothing else, nothing is happening yet. I am just giddy my butterflies are back. :))
 Dear B, Glad to report you that I am very much alive. So far, my family is doing okay. So grateful for surviving each day, each week. It is a blessing from Allah.  I have submitted my internship report. Waiting for the final presentation of my undergrad study. Can't wait to finally be a graduate student. For now, me and my friends are planning to apply for post grad abroad. For next year intake. I need some fund. Which I have to manage from my aunty or uncle because my father has already so much in his shoulders. Can't pressurize him like that. My internship is still going on. It is till November. I just sincerely hope, me and my family survive this through pandemic. Nothing else I wish or hope for.  My mental state is better. Some days are hard. I try to keep in mind, life is not always going to be a smooth ride. And I try to be in the present moment instead of worrying about the future. I think it is better like that.  My dating life is on pause for now. I just do...