Everly

To want things to go perfect is a deluded notion. There are multiple of probable results. Things can go perfect. It can go bad. It can go worst. It can go just fine, but not exceed your expectations. Now if you expect the worst things happening to you, there are chances that good things will come in your way, though they're not quoted to be wonderful, but, in your worst imaginations, it will turn out just great. You would know that life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. And everybody fights their own battles. Everybody has their own kind of break downs. One person's strength cannot be derrived from other person's weakness. Similarly one's failure aren't anyone's success. Each and everyone has their own battle to win or lose. The idea of being in a group, opting for a collective growth is bullshit. You alone stand for your progress and defeat... To be in class of 30 students, with a teacher expecting and grading us in the same level, I often find...

Life isn't where I want it to be. Haven't accomplished much. That kinda scares me, Because I am in my twenties and people my age are pretty responsible. How am I gonna get through adult life? This is the only question I wake up to ask myself and fall asleep thinking about.Is it worth, spending so much of my time thinking rather than doing much? My life has been a constant average or striving average. Nothing I did stood out. These days, I truly solely ask myself, what do I want. What is that I want to become. And what are the talents I can use to become something. You know, that makes me feel blank. I seriously have nothing that could help me survive in the corporate world. It sums up to this. The thought of him doesn't keep me awake at night anymore. I have trillion other things to worry about now. Just few weeks back I couldn't imagine myself being free from the thought of him not liking me back. I closed that chapter behind me. Is it a step to becoming a grown...

The moment you decide to not let your past control you, you set yourself free. You are fresh and beaming with new possibilities. Here's to a new beginning.

The good news is I am healing. The pain is 2 out of 10.  So I can walk and do other normal things without flinching. In the previous post, I have let out all my frustrations and how I am not so happy with my friends. I even used the term 'pretentious'. Well aren't we all a little pretentious? Today I feel more positive and I understood this one thing. Parents are the only people who is there for you selflessly. It would be silly to seek selflessness from your friends. And it would be sillier to want to have more than what you deserve to have from them. So yeah I might have misjudged my friends. I may have let my personal feelings and the things I was going through get in the way of our friendship. To judge them like that, I have to look at myself first. Have I been a good friend? No. I was barely there this semester, and I barely have been honest with them about things. I didn't put myself out there much for them to realize what I was going through and how I felt...

I hadn't cursed this much in my life in pain. If only screaming fuck hundred times in a pillow could work as a pain killer...RIP my left leg. I have a boil under my left thigh and which is sort of infected and I have missed classes this whole week, stayed in bed, flinched in pain every time I walked around the house to fetch me a glass of water or pee and I gotta tell you. I have never ever felt like dying this much. I guess this is the way of my body telling me to shut down for a while. I have tortured it a lot. I kept myself awake at night, slept till noon, I have lost weight, I have been stressed out about unnecessary things. I guess this was my punishment. This is just a bad year, it is not a bad life. I am starting to heal. Not being able to move much, made me think a lot. Made me realize, how I always cornered myself from people and stuffs...How every year, things keep changing and I don't much grow. Just couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep because of all th...

I know what a genuine care looks like. I also know who seeks benefit of me.

You know, it is true when you be with someone for long enough, you kind of mirror their traits into yourselves without even noticing. You know what I learned from being with her? I learned to speak ill of people. I learned how to put on a fake act and let the others have the benefit of the doubt you like them, but actually you can't stand them. I don't think I will ever get normal with Turtle Dove again. She hurt me. She made me realize I don't deserve to be treated how I am treated by her. She thought ignoring my existence and clinging to batman would actually made me feel sorry for myself, and you know what? I don't have a sorry ass. I am more than relieved the moment I am not with her. She is manipulative and I can't stand her anymore. Nor Batman. I feel like ripping their hearts out and stepping on them; squishing them like they did with my soul. I just don't know why I feel like that. I can't stand the idea of being friends with them anymore you know...

My life is out of balance now. I got bumps in my face. I got a bump right down my buttocks which hurt every time I sit. And I skipped classes so I am not getting full marks on my attendance in any of my courses and my mid terms wasn't good at all. My hairs falling off. And to top it off, I had a fight with T. I don't know, these days, I just can't stand her. She was potentially a good friend of mine, but I don't know what happened to us. Maybe it is because she got too close with batman. And I am just distancing myself from their group. I feel like staying alone. I feel like nothing matters. I just don't see a point hanging out as a third wheel. I just want myself away from drama. And people. And I don't know I am just so depressed that I can't seem to feel inspired going to classes anymore, I better stay home and take long hour naps. And I don't even feel like I need to be loved or something...I just...I don't want anything from life right now. A...