I am kind of in a denial right now. I am not accepting the fact that I am utterly depressed about everything. Going back to that place. I was adjusting just fine. I liked being with my friends. But after this break of a week, I am not sure if I am ready. This week has given me time to process what happened to me within this two months I stayed there. I kept myself thinking at night, remembering things said and been told, all those flashbacks. Not everything was a happy memory. I had bad days also. And about my friends. Are they going to stick with me or leave me when this semester be over, because I had a really hard time making friends...I don't wanna lose any of them. I think I've never cared for anyone that much. I was always putting a border in friendship, I was afraid of closeness. Now, I have shared an awful days with my friends and deep inside, I really care for them.
One thing that has happened to me couple times before. The people I started to become good friends with, the people who made my days brighter and full of laughter, left me. I still remember Ankan. She was my best friend. We used to taunt each other but at the end of the day, we would look forward to another meet up- another adventure in school. And Ann. She had this dark humor I always liked. They were all I needed to wake up in the morning and leave for the class. Really, now I think about it, my college life was invisible without their existence. Now these people, I don't have any idea about how they are holding up. I don't chat with Ann anymore, and Ankan, she doesn't call me. I am not calling her until she cares to dial up my number. SO both of them, whom I had spent a great deal of my school and college years with, are completely disconnected with me. I know nothing of their life. They also don't of mine.
I fear this.When I started caring for these people, this fear kept growing that they will forget me after this semester, we won't be friends anymore. I have a little hope that T will stick with me because we have the same department of study but I don't know about others.
I am also unsure of me. The reason Ankan and Ann gone mute is that, I also don't take the initiative to call or arrange a meet up. Ann is outside the country so, I really don't see us hanging out anytime soon, but I could easily stay connected with Ankan. SO I am partly, actually we three are equally responsible for this break up. So I don't know if I will stay with those people I call my friends now. I may drive them away, or never talk to them again. Happened before.
But I won't let myself. I will try my utmost to keep our friendship together.
Because I cherish them. I really do.
One thing that has happened to me couple times before. The people I started to become good friends with, the people who made my days brighter and full of laughter, left me. I still remember Ankan. She was my best friend. We used to taunt each other but at the end of the day, we would look forward to another meet up- another adventure in school. And Ann. She had this dark humor I always liked. They were all I needed to wake up in the morning and leave for the class. Really, now I think about it, my college life was invisible without their existence. Now these people, I don't have any idea about how they are holding up. I don't chat with Ann anymore, and Ankan, she doesn't call me. I am not calling her until she cares to dial up my number. SO both of them, whom I had spent a great deal of my school and college years with, are completely disconnected with me. I know nothing of their life. They also don't of mine.
I fear this.When I started caring for these people, this fear kept growing that they will forget me after this semester, we won't be friends anymore. I have a little hope that T will stick with me because we have the same department of study but I don't know about others.
I am also unsure of me. The reason Ankan and Ann gone mute is that, I also don't take the initiative to call or arrange a meet up. Ann is outside the country so, I really don't see us hanging out anytime soon, but I could easily stay connected with Ankan. SO I am partly, actually we three are equally responsible for this break up. So I don't know if I will stay with those people I call my friends now. I may drive them away, or never talk to them again. Happened before.
But I won't let myself. I will try my utmost to keep our friendship together.
Because I cherish them. I really do.
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