Everly

It is weird how smallest of things can remind significant memories of past life. I found this old gum in my bag while I was out shopping with my mom. I used to take that bag, almost regularly a year before. I shifted to new fancier one my grandma bought me and so rarely I used the old one. But that day, arbitrarily I took it with me to shopping and the moment my hands wondered inside the pockets, I found this old gum. It's not just an expired, old gum packet. It was the packet I bought, on the day of a date. When it all felt something out of the world. When I had someone to kiss me. And he did. He kissed me so good. I was terrified of getting caught but we were at this public washroom, and I had him all to me. His attention, his eyes all on me. And I never felt like this about anybody else in my life. It was like an adventure. A sweet and cute one at that. And I get all this from an old, stinky, torn, chewing gum packet. Dateless valentine days are pretty normal for me. Everyday is...

 After a bit of soul searching, sleeping like a pig in the mornings, chatting bluntly with strangers on Tinder, Whining that I don't have the skills to get a job, reminiscing and cringing the past embarrassing moments...reading couple of chapters of a self-help book, I decided, I am gonna do something about my life. Though I have not yet started taking the authority of my choices, but I have decided to come up with a plan (Cause that's like the fun part before working hard on something) to change for a better version of myself.  So here is a draft of things, I need to change/give attention to for now: 1. What makes me lose all sense of time? What takes all my focus and simultaneously fulfils my soul while doing it? Take a guess...Say what? No, not masturbation lol, though I see your point. It is WRITING! Can't you see? No matter what, I always felt comfortable journaling, reading books, learning new words to enrich my vocabulary. So this is my cue to begin. I love writing. ...

 I was asked very inappropriate questions on an interview. The person was a pervert.  I can't believe I even bothered to prepare for it.  I am just so sick of men seeing us as sex objects. I am just so tired of not getting valued as an individual, rather sexualized. Us women, we are demeaned the moment we are born on this earth. In various ways. We are seen as marketing products. Not humans.  I am tired of existing as a woman in this society.  I am honestly, tired and on the verge of giving up.

 My feelings died. Today, I woke up, I stalked him again. I think I blocked all his contacts last week. Because I didn't want to keep up with his life anymore. And today when I went to his profile, saw his face, read his caption, surprisingly, I felt this numbness inside of me.  I was not jealous anymore. I wasn't yearning for him anymore. I wasn't reminiscing what we had anymore. The most amazing part was- there was no pain. Nothing!  So it is safe to say- I am finally over and done with him! I have nothing to prove to him. I mean before it was like, I would share something public just in the hope of him stalking me and finding how I am doing. Now I am independent of that feeling. I have separated myself from that pain he caused me. It is like, I am a new born. And I am a completely emotionally validated person myself and now when I talk with men, I know if this doesn't work out, I will be fine and move on with my life. And as long as I have myself, I don't need ot...

 Did some shopping today.   Feeling kinda good :) Also today's the last day of January. 1 month down from 2021. Huh. I don't know how I feel about that. February, I totally dedicate to my friend's wedding.  Also, somebody just asked me out on a valentines date. I didn't say yes. I don't know if I am ready to go out for date again. I know I should be. But I feel kinda vulnerable. So taking things super, duper slow. That's the update! I don't date, I update!  haha. I should stop. Bye.

 Gloom hit me. And I am doing everything I can, well in my mind, I am doing my best, trying not to fall into the pit. I am pms-ing too, so at least I know whatever  I am feeling right now, it is consequential and will pass, hopefully. I am feeling really, really alone. I miss those giddy feelings, first attractions, first goofy flirting. There are men lined up in my dms but they are all stuck up. Sometimes I wonder, am I gonna end up like this? Is this how it is from now on? There was this video on staying optimistic. It said, being optimistic, is not being impractical or like blindly trusting the fate. It's about believing that there's light out at the end of the dark tunnel.  I have always, picked myself up, over and over. I have always, after a huge let down, believed there's something promised for me and the universe is only looking out for me.  You know what's weird? I am aware that I am falling, I am in despair and still there's another part. probably the wise...

Yesterday, I stayed over at my friend's place. We had her bridal shower the day before. And after having such great time, me, 'I' simply cannot carry on with the rest of my life, without coming back here and write a few words on it. I got high, smoked again, I can't remember how many cigarettes...Well I wouldn't say I am addicted but these days, whenever I smoke with my friends, I don't just smoke 'a' cigarette,  it ranges between 5-10. Whatever, as long as it's not a regular thing...I should be fine.  I remember feeling anxious around lot of new people. Here's the thing. My friends are super social. So at her shower, there were bunch of her other friends, and they were really really pretty and they carry themselves well, which made me look like a fish out of water. But I wasn't a huge mess. I put of ton of makeup and tried my best. I had a really good time. We played 'card against humanity' which is a really cool card game btw. And h...