Everly

It is weird how smallest of things can remind significant memories of past life. I found this old gum in my bag while I was out shopping with my mom. I used to take that bag, almost regularly a year before. I shifted to new fancier one my grandma bought me and so rarely I used the old one. But that day, arbitrarily I took it with me to shopping and the moment my hands wondered inside the pockets, I found this old gum. It's not just an expired, old gum packet. It was the packet I bought, on the day of a date. When it all felt something out of the world. When I had someone to kiss me. And he did. He kissed me so good. I was terrified of getting caught but we were at this public washroom, and I had him all to me. His attention, his eyes all on me. And I never felt like this about anybody else in my life. It was like an adventure. A sweet and cute one at that. And I get all this from an old, stinky, torn, chewing gum packet. Dateless valentine days are pretty normal for me. Everyday is...

 After a bit of soul searching, sleeping like a pig in the mornings, chatting bluntly with strangers on Tinder, Whining that I don't have the skills to get a job, reminiscing and cringing the past embarrassing moments...reading couple of chapters of a self-help book, I decided, I am gonna do something about my life. Though I have not yet started taking the authority of my choices, but I have decided to come up with a plan (Cause that's like the fun part before working hard on something) to change for a better version of myself.  So here is a draft of things, I need to change/give attention to for now: 1. What makes me lose all sense of time? What takes all my focus and simultaneously fulfils my soul while doing it? Take a guess...Say what? No, not masturbation lol, though I see your point. It is WRITING! Can't you see? No matter what, I always felt comfortable journaling, reading books, learning new words to enrich my vocabulary. So this is my cue to begin. I love writing. ...

 I was asked very inappropriate questions on an interview. The person was a pervert.  I can't believe I even bothered to prepare for it.  I am just so sick of men seeing us as sex objects. I am just so tired of not getting valued as an individual, rather sexualized. Us women, we are demeaned the moment we are born on this earth. In various ways. We are seen as marketing products. Not humans.  I am tired of existing as a woman in this society.  I am honestly, tired and on the verge of giving up.

 My feelings died. Today, I woke up, I stalked him again. I think I blocked all his contacts last week. Because I didn't want to keep up with his life anymore. And today when I went to his profile, saw his face, read his caption, surprisingly, I felt this numbness inside of me.  I was not jealous anymore. I wasn't yearning for him anymore. I wasn't reminiscing what we had anymore. The most amazing part was- there was no pain. Nothing!  So it is safe to say- I am finally over and done with him! I have nothing to prove to him. I mean before it was like, I would share something public just in the hope of him stalking me and finding how I am doing. Now I am independent of that feeling. I have separated myself from that pain he caused me. It is like, I am a new born. And I am a completely emotionally validated person myself and now when I talk with men, I know if this doesn't work out, I will be fine and move on with my life. And as long as I have myself, I don't need ot...