Everly

saw my dad crying over a video in his phone today. we were on road in our car. the song was ay khuku ay. maybe he misses my sister. I cannot believe it's been over a year. I haven't seen her. She is in a far away country living with her husband and my niece. I miss them so much. i don't understand this. why did Allah create such web of infatuation.  i only know i am gonna lose people i love. everything is gonna end. I am gonna be dead. I may watch people die before me. the whole thing sickens me. why does it have to be this way. I mean why does it have to be a cycle of life and death? Why can't this duniya be permanent for all? Why Allah give us such love and care in human forms and take them away? I haven't lived. I am not living. I am just doing what I am told. Getting my degree so i can end up somewhere, survive. i feel like i am not so capable. i always feel that. I could've done so much. I didn't do. Now i am 23 and my father is getting old befor...

i told myself it did not happen draped that memory down almost as if it's possible it is hidden beneath but sometimes  it peeks  and makes me feel like an aged woman my memory isn't sharp i wish it was i always forget things,  passwords, chat threads, memes i already read and laughed our minds cannot process all information it knows ultimately  the cloud will contain things work like that now you forget, you retrieve. 

It is just out of random I feel like I need to spread negativity into the world, think back all the bad things that happened to me, make myself feel miserable and torture my heart and soul and overall peace. I don't know how am I going to be okay, make myself feel good about me. For once accept the fact that everybody is unique in their own way, everybody has different way of handling things. And I mess up. Maybe more than once, more than others, and it is completely okay too. We all try. We don't always make it... Thank you Don. For reminding me that.

My favorite episode from Mad Men by far, is The Suitcase. It was simple and metaphorical at the same time. There is so much sentiment in this particular one. I liked the moments between Draper and Peggy, it was so intense and they shared a bond that was unspoken of, silent yet deep. I love their friendship...Jon Hamm is such a great actor tbh. I am just getting more and more fond of him...Like seriously. I wish I could meet him in person and give him a big hug. 

I am officially quitting the game of searching for my soul mate. There is no one out there who I can love and be loved. After talking to tons of men last year and this, I decided to be just where I am right now. I am gonna be focusing on myself now. Because I think I am not ready to be in a relationship anyway, it's a lot of work and I am not ready to open up to a person, this blog, okay, but a rational human, no. It's fine, I am keeping it busy, studying and singing and stuff like that. I like spending time with my friends too. It's great, honestly. I am happy.