Everly

So one of my guinea pigs died today morning. I wasn't even there when it did. My father took care of the two all this time, he cleaned their shits and gave them food, I occasionally visited their cage. Sigh. I realized I am not a pet person...Sucks. I slept through the evening, and while my parents gave away the other guinea pig and when I went to the empty veranda, where they used to stay, I couldn't help but cry. Maya...And I know my dad. He must be so upset. I heard he cried giving away the other one...It was only yesterday he made a small bunk bed with sticks for them to jump around and play. You know what? I will never have pets. Never. It sucks when they die or leave.

Dear B, Things have turned weird...My mind is in conflicting terms. A part of me wants to tell him how I feel. How my blood runs high when I see his message pop up in my phone screen. How my heart sinks seeing him offline. How I die being called "bro." The other part of me, however, wants everything to be the way it is. Feel pathetic and never tell him about it. Call him bro, get even. But never pray tell how I feel inside. I want to stop thinking about him. It is not love. It is an obsession, a dependency, an addiction. He has to die, or go away, or just be forgotten. Or what are the choices I have? I can't force a feeling. He doesn't like me that way, I mean that's what the signs tell me. I really want to avoid feelings. I really do. But the fact that I think about him nonstop ain't helping. He's in the music I listen to, he's in the lyrics, He's in the movie I watch, He's in the dream I get woken up to, He's in the poem I am mental...

My brother is dropping this semester. It is gonna cost my dad 60k. 60k waste of money..we are at this point where we can't blame my brother for anything...It is all on us, he is mentally ill, he can't take the pressure. But my father....My father,....I don't know how he is dealing with this...We are so depended on him....I am just tired and selfish....And I want an escape from all this.

And all this time music was the answer.

Okay, remember when I said perspectives change? And thoughts change when you sleep on it. Okay yeah. SO turned out, that girl is singer guy's friend's girlfriend. I ain't sure if the girl is cheating on her boyfriend with him tho...I don't wanna overthink it..I wanna wait and see what happens next...Seriously, life is kind of turning into a movie. There's this guy, I totally have the instinct he kinda likes me a bit I don't know. Maybe just a tad bit or it could be my delusion. He is not bad at all...Irony is he also sings, works in a music studio and has good humor so I am not sure where this is going yet...Maybe I find some familiar taste in his personality. Maybe he is kind of like singer guy...He has a girlfriend tho. Long distance.... Am I turning into one of those girls whose universe centers around guys? EWW.

NO. I thought it was over. But all those feelings are crawling back. I thought. I would be fine seeing him with another girl. Seeing him move on. Seeing him date again. But I certainly don't want that. You know, all that "If he/she is happy, I am happy" crap people say when they're in love with someone? Yeah it is total crap. I am not happy seeing him from a distance, talking with some random chick from his college. I wanna see him miserable. No it just sounds wrong. I wanna see him happy but I don't wanna see him happy with someone else...  I know I cannot be the I in the we. I cannot have him. But why can't he just stay single? Forever...and Ever? Is it too much to ask? And this girl, am I going to see a lot of her? Who is this new lady in his life now? GOSH. It is time I should let go of him...I can't just obsess over something that isn't meant for me.... NO. This feelings are temporary. It won't last. Yeah. I should just. I should slee...

It's funny how perspectives change. How it flips with time. Some five or six years ago I used to believe I was enough. Now I feel less and less like a wuss. Some five or six years ago, My life wasn't perfect but I felt wonderful, I felt like it was okay. Now I feel terror and horror just contemplating my future. Some five or six years ago, I used to think How I Met Your Mother- was a lame sitcom but now I am in verge of completing all nine seasons within just weeks. Just some five or six years ago, I knew so little yet I didn't have this urge to be like somebody else.Now I feel every second, every min to live somebody's life but mine. It is not years that change perspectives, Months do too, even a few weeks change everything. What you believe, what you admired once and thought those feelings gonna last and just within a week it's gone or just give it 72 hours rest and you would find yourself thinking differently.

My friends came to my house yesterday. It felt nice and weird .....I was the host and it was exhaustinghh

Presentation went okay.... And we talked a little bit. It is so weird. I've been thinking less about him than I used to. It was worse before. I think. I think this is good news that he is having little influence over me. I don't know for some weird reason, I don't like spending time with Turtle Dove anymore.

I have been stressed out about nearly everything. My academic life is having a stroke right now. I have one  presentation, a quiz I haven't studied for that are both tomorrow and, after that day I have another one that I cannot afford to fail. If I do so. My CGPA will drop lower than it already is....And above all that. He's been paying less and less attention and I am not sure how I feel about that. I mean I actually crave sometimes that he talked to me a bit. But I don't know maybe that I am PMS-ing. It just seems all fair. He is good staying back. I am good staying back. We don't talk anymore. And it is not driving me crazy. YET. AND AND AND. Turtle Dove is getting clingy to Batman. I don't know why it sometimes bothers me that they're not a couple. Because I see her...touching his hair. Hugging and doing all clingy things like couples do except she refers to her brother whenever she does this sort of things and it kind of is weird. Who adores their brot...

MY FATHER BOUGHT ME GUINEA-PIGS well one of the two died already. :-( Tomorrow have to bring another one... This is the first time I am petting an animal....:')